The Bat Story

                The week of the infestation was, like, the hottest week ever. It was so hot that I would have gladly water boarded myself. IT WAS SO HOT. I felt bad for poor Amara who was staying at my house for the week because she was expecting fun and True Blood and we got terrorism and the surface of the sun. Well my scary old haunted house that I live in doesn’t have air-conditioning so we slept with fans blasting in our faces.

                That night Amara was sleeping on the couch and I went up to my bedroom, took off all my clothes, and pointed the fan directly on my moist, naked body. I was sleeping like a sound little baby when in the dead of night, I felt something tickle my thigh. Thinking that the fan was blowing the sheet on me, I swiped it away and then all of the sudden- SOMETHINGGRABBEDMYFINGER. I heard fluttering around the room and I look at my window and a bat was climbing up the screen with its little finger wings.

                As I was having a mild stroke, I pulled some jeans on over my tight, sculpted figure and ran downstairs…

This is me having a mild stroke-

Me: Amara! Amara ohmygod. There’s a bat it my room! Amara, there’s a bat in my room!

Amara: (sleepily) What? No, Brad just go back to bed.

Me: No! Amara I’m serious-

                And then out of nowhere the bat flew down the stairs and we both screamed and ran up to my room, we checked for baby bats, and then went to bed. The next morning, we creeped downstairs and found it snuggled in the crown molding in my kitchen. Knowing exactly what to do, we put plastic, grocery bags over our heads so it wouldn’t get caught in our hair and decided to spray the bat with Pam and bathroom cleaner to disorient it. So while holding brooms and spraying it with our good idea the bat just got pissed off and crawled deeper into the crack in the wall.

                Amara and I looked at each other like, “Well now what?” when the bat abruptly attacked! Fearing it would use Bite or Leech Life (both of which would be super effective) we swung our brooms at the bat while falling on the floor looking like we were trying to do the Bernie while having epileptic seizures. The scene sort of looked like this- 

                Instead of using my shotgun (broom) to blow it (smack it with my Ethiopian arms) to smithereens, we sat in the kitchen thinking of what to do next when that Dracula-whore started crawling horizontally across the brick wall like some possessed Reagan shit. AND THEN because it hadn’t had enough fun the first time, it started flying at us over and over again. It was as if it knew air force training combat and we were like helpless, screeching kittens with plastic bags over our heads. Keep in mind that every time the bat flies at us, Amara is still sitting in the kitchen chair and I’m standing behind her and we’re hitting nothing but air with our brooms. The final time it came around, Amara was so frustrated that she screamed, “GET OUT, FUCKER!”  And it did! We both high fived and sat back down in front of the TV.

                I looked closer at my finger and I realized the horrible. I had been bitten. My firm, sexy body had been violated. There were two, tiny, little bite marks in my left finger and I knew that I had to get rabies shots. I called my dad and he set up an appointment for me and then said, “Why didn’t you catch it? You could have had the bat tested for rabies instead.” Like I’m going to catch the devil and keep him safe in my Tupperware. Then, the next day I’m on my way to the hospital and my mom calls…

Mom: Hey whatcha doin’?

Me: Um… I’m on my way to the hospital to get rabies shots because I got bit by a bat.

Mom: WHAT?

Me: Yeah I didn’t want you to worry so…

My dad told me later that she said to him on the phone, “Why didn’t you or Brad tell me that he got bit by a bat?! Did everyone think I was going to FREAK OUT OR SOMETHING?!?!”

                 Four doctors at the hospital were like, “Why didn’t you catch it so you wouldn’t have to go through this?” Oh! I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was supposed to catch my own rapist! So I had to get four shots directly in my finger and four in my arms and then I was supposed to go back three times after that for more shots but I was so over it. I might have rabies now but it’s whatever.

Amara was leaving that week to move back into her apartment and like, three days after the bat incident she couldn’t find her keys. We’re looking around the house and she looks under her suitcase and they’re not there. So she looks around the house and comes back to her suitcase… checks under it again… and… there was another effing bat pinned under her suitcase.

That's me and that's Amara scared out of our minds.

                It was the worst thing ever. We had to get an exterminator and seal up the house and apparently there was another bat on the other side of the house where the straight boys live. That week at Barnes and Noble everyone called me “Bat Boy” which I guess was clever and hilarious. What is to be learned from this story? I’ve learned that bats are like rapists. And I found these steps on WikiHow to remove a bat/rapist from your house.

1.       Allow the rapist to land.

2.       Pick up the rapist if necessary.

3.       Coax the rapist down from high places.

4.       Carry the rapist outside- Set the trapped rapist on the ground some distance from your house. Close the door so that the rapist does not accidently come inside and rape you again.

5.       Help the rapist if it seems fatigued.

6.       Take care using your hands directly- You should wear leather gloves. Do not squeeze too tightly.