Bedazzled Heart

                I have been employed eight different times in the twenty-one years that I have lived and each of them was their own special bedazzle on my heart. My heart is covered in bedazzles actually. There’s one for The Matrix, one for Zachary, Teresa Giudice, Starbucks, Dolce and Gabbana, and many other things that make my life sparkle. My heart is also covered in corduroy, camouflage colored scales that represent everything that I hate. My doctor tells me that if I get too many scales on my heart that I’ll soon get so stressed that I’ll look like an orc version of Marcus Bachman.

                Hy-Vee was the first job that I’ve ever had. Believe it or not, in Great Faces, Great Places, South Dakota you may drive when you are only fourteen years old! Imagine Abigail Breslin just cruisin’ around in that big, old bus with her dead grandpa in the back going to work. Well that’s me. I would push carts and bag groceries. If someone made me mad, I would put cans on top of their tomatoes.  You know those aprons that they always wear? Well I found out that more went on under those aprons in the break room than I would have liked to know.

                Actually, looking back on Hy-Vee, I realize that my fellow employees must have been high every other day. One time I took out the trash with this other kid and instead of taking it to the compacter like a human, he lifted the bag over his head and drank the garbage juice. I probably should have taken a page out of his book. I would break jars of baby food on purpose so that I could break the basic routine and clean them up.

                Bagel Boy was my second job and BAGEL BOY IS THE BEST PLACE EVER! Bagel Boy makes bagel sandwiches and coffee and soup and it’s so delicious. The weird thing was that the managers were never there so I just ate bagels all day and got really fat. I know that people don’t believe me when I say that I was fat but seriously. Look at this picture and tell me otherwise.

                Old Navy was awesome. I worked there with my bff Rachael and she definitely got the short end of the stick on that one. I worked in the fitting room where I would have fashion shows every day with Andrew and Rachael always had to work in “Kids” which they may as well have named “Apocalypse” because that was what it looked and felt like to work in “Kids” every day. There were millions of tiny jeans to be folded and there was always pee or barf on the floor.

                Rachael and I would also make a game out of selling ONC’s. That stands for “Old Navy Card” yeah! Every time we were at the register we would think of the most creative way to sell an ONC.

Rachael: Ok, and your purchase comes to $11.56. Would you like to save a treasure chest of money by signing up for an Old Navy Card today?

Customer: (Fills out nearly the entire signup sheet) Wait. Is this a credit card?

Rachael: (speaking as slow as possible thinking she may confuse the customer) Uuuummmm…. (breath) …. Yesss…. It is…. (then takes off at light speed) butit’sareallygooddealandyou’llloveitandyoucansaveatreasurechestandit’sreallyawesomeandyoulookreallygoodtoday!

Customer: Oh ok. Uh. No thank you, then.

                After that I worked at Starbucks. Starbucks to me is like a grocery store to a child with Prader-Willi Syndrome. It is by far one of my favorite places to be and in the top two of my favorite places to work. The best part was the customers. I don’t think it’s difficult to order a drink correctly. In fact, when the AP Style guide has to specifically state, “Espresso. Never expresso”  then there is clearly a problem with the world.

Can I please get a frappa mocha?

Where are the moo-lattes?

This tastes too much like coffee…

I’ll have a large macha-tee-toh.

A medium, please.

                Rachael posted this funny cartoon on my wall that summed up my life.

                And one time this lady ran into the side of Starbucks with her car. She was driving this brand new Escalade, had big boobs, big blonde hair, long nails, the works. I hand her the drink. She thinks she’s going to drive away but instead she decides to scrape her Escalade along the side of the building. Instead of, of you know, checking in with us to make sure there wasn’t any damage, she decided it would be best to just drive away.

                Then, I worked at Barnes and Noble which was fine.

                THEN, I WORKED AT DISNEY WORLD!

                Then, I did the roofing job which I still haven’t gotten a check for…

                Finally, I worked at McDonalds. It was sort of like working in the future because everything was automated and machines would like fill up the French fry baskets for us. But it was only like the future if the future is like working in “Kids” in Sierra Leone. I just really needed a job so I applied and I got it and whatever. On my first day, my manager yelled at the girl with Down Syndrome because she interrupted her. Every day I was burned by the oils from the fryers. One day this stud who we’ll call Sid had a conversation with me that went like this…

Sid: So what kinda girls are you into?

Me: None. None of them. … I’m gay.

Sid: What? (looking really concerned) Since when?

Me: Ever…

                Anyway, nothing was sanitary. We were supposed to wash our hands every thirty minutes but I saw people go the entire shift without washing their hands. The trays that the hamburgers sit in don’t get washed all day. One day I dropped an entire bag of fries in the fryer including the plastic bag which dissolved in less than a second. So after working there for less than two weeks, I quit. It was just terrible. I went up my managers and I said, “I’m quitting. I don’t like it here. So I’m going to leave.” And I walked out. … So it’s whatever.

                Is there a lesson in today’s lesson? Why yes. Yes there is. I’ve added another bedazzle to my heart. It’s called unemployment.