When I moved back from Orlando I knew that I would need a roommate but after some of my past roommate experiences I wasn’t that excited. I mean, ever since Mu I always look through all of my roommates things to see if I can find anything criminalizing so that I have leverage to blackmail them if I need to. That doesn’t make me creepy. That makes me creepy smart.
Actually I never looked through my roommate, Megan’s things because she was so open that I searching was pointless. For example…
“Everyone’s looking at me because I’m not wearing a bra but I sort of love it.”
“I bought thirteen bottles of wine tonight and I already drank two of them!”
“I had the best day ever! I drank a Sundrop and got a smoothie from McDonald’s and then I watched four episodes of CSI and had sex with myself three times!!”
So I got on the good ol’ Craigslist thinking I was going to have to live with another straight guy who liked cars and football and couldn’t appreciate Florence and the Machine let alone the supercute boots I just bought. But then Craig did me a giant favor. On his list he delivered me Josh. At first I didn’t understand the sort of queeny quest Josh and I would embark upon. After several e-mails I looked him up on Facebook and discovered our only friend in common was Stupid Head. (Stupid Head is my ex who cheated on me and lied to me and told me that he wanted to break up with me four months before he could work up the balls to do it. But it’s totally cool because he’s a college dropout and a never-nude.) But it turned out that they only hung out once, lalala, I’m really frickin’ jaded.
Anyway, so Josh moves in and immediately I’m like the worst roommate ever. Within thirty minutes I tell him the story about Mu and how I intentionally broke his alarm clock. So you know, I’m starting off with a great first impression. And then the next day I was like, “You have friends, right? Because my old roommate didn’t and he was really weird so…” So now I’m REALLY on a roll. Meanwhile all my dishes are lying around everywhere and he’s discovering all the things around the house that don’t work.
“Ope yeah, Josh. So don’t close the bathroom door all the way because you’ll lock yourself in.”
“Hey Josh, this drawer is broken so don’t pull it out all the way because the knives will fall out of it and they’ll stab your feet.”
“Yeah the fire alarm just kept beeping all over the place so I just took the batteries out. But it’s not like there’s going to be a fire in the hallway, right?”
But now it’s great because we’re just like Will and Grace! We hang out all the time and have sleepovers and play Scrabble (but I always win) and make craft projects! We’ve also decided that we both want matching kitten tattoos. Oh, and Josh wants to change his last name to Puppy and he calls me B-Kitten for my nickname. So we’re Josh Puppy and B-Kitten! WE’RE DISGUSTINGLY CUTE.
Josh and I decided to go to Pride in Mankato which was crazy and crazy lame at the same time. First of all, I’ve never seen so many gay people in Mankato before but the actual Pride Festival was more of a sign up for anti-discrimination laws and make a craft project festival? And then that night we decided to go to the dance with Josh’s friend Sid (not McDonald’s Sid) and we may or may not have been wearing our shwastey pants. So we get to the dance and it’s really high school and so after only about an hour, we leave.
We’re like two miles from our house and we only make it, like, two blocks before Josh turns to me and says, “Wanna climb that billboard?” and I’m like, “Duh.” So we do. And here’s a picture of it.
The billboard is right next to a building and so we climb down on the roof and there’s like a giant pipe or something that I don’t see and I trip and fall. My body didn’t tell my arms to go out in front of me so I literally just slid along the roof face and all. As it turns out the roof was covered in this tar crap and the entire right side of my body was covered in black shit. So it’s whatever.
We keep walking and two blocks later we see Dominos and we’re like, well we obviously need some, so I walk in looking like a stylish, hotassmess, coal miner and the conversation goes like this-
Me: Hi. I’m Brad.
Domino's Girl: I’m Darcy.
Me: Darcy. What can we have for free?
Domino's Girl: Haha nothing…
Me: Ok but seriously. We would really appreciate a medium, half sausage, half cheese pizza.
Domino's Girl: …Okay.
So we got a free pizza!
Then, Josh and I were checking every door that we were walking by as we walked through downtown and by this point it’s like one in the morning. Well, we finally find one that’s open and it’s these stairs that lead to a roof and on the roof is a patio with chairs and things! So we’re eating our pizza and the most adorable cat comes over and Josh decides to name it Josh, of course. We’re just in love with it and even though I’m allergic I’m like rubbing the cat all over my face. But then we finished our pizza and went home and went to bed.
When I woke up, my eyes were swollen like crazy, I was wheezing, and when I looked in the mirror, I was covered in tar and cat hair. But I was really hungry and so I went downstairs and then I noticed that there was blood all over my leg! So I start picking at it to figure out where my wound is but it turns out that it was just pizza sauce.
Is the lesson to not judge books by their covers? Or is the lesson to not cover your face in something you’re allergic to? Neither. The lesson is if you take the first letter off Josh and the first letter off his last name - Schutz, his name spells Osh Chutz. Which sounds like Auschwitz. Which is funny. If you don’t think so, then I’m sorry you feel that way.
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