Letters For My Coaches 3

Ben is married but I like to give him a hard time and say that he's gay. Why? Oh because it's hilarious. He can sit down and accomplish anything whereas I sit on Perez for an hour and then take a nap. 

Ben,

Your organization is more anal retentive than you are anal receptive.

Your jeans may be from Penny’s but your wife certainly wears them in this relationship.

Your masculinity is only outweighed by your femininity.

Your care and love are like the sex scene in Ghost. We have the clay but we need your guidance to create something beautiful… and to orgasm.

Your ability to make first years feel welcome is stronger than any Kool-aid.

Your listening skills are like that of a quadriplegic. When we talk to you, we know that you’re not going anywhere and we appreciate that.

Your ability to go the extra mile is like that of a true American. You know that you’ve won the war but you’ll bomb two Japanese cities just for good measure.

Your persistence is like that of the last person in line on a human centipede… I’ll leave it at that.

Your drive is like that of a chronic masturbator. It doesn’t matter where you are because you will always find a way to completion.

You’re loved. Like Mary loved her virginity so much, she lied about it. Like Abraham Lincoln loved plays so much, he lost his head. Like Dianna loved the paparazzi so much, she got a little too excited when she pulled over to say “hi” to them. You’re loved. And your love will continue to spread like a cocaine ridden girl’s legs at an independent music festival.

Hearts,

Brad