Monorail Pub Crawl

The monorail at Disney World is beloved and hated by all. People love it because they don’t have to worry about transportation, it’s free, and kids think it’s the best. Others hate it because it smells of permanent BO, someone is always crying, and no matter where you are on the train, you always get stuck next the obese guy who doesn’t really smell (you just imagine he does) or some person who takes up the space of three people because they’re in a goddamn scooter that they can’t even control. The HoverRound should be easy to use. It really should. They made that one old lady spin around in circles for hours while filming the commercial and if she can do it I’m convinced anyone else can.

              Anyway. The monorail is like thirty or forty feet in the air or something and it runs on a big slab of concrete and one of the conductors crashed it a couple of years ago and killed himself. I always imagine him suffering the breakup of his girlfriend (boyfriend if we’re being real; it’s Disney, people). He lights a cigarette and decides to end it all… by crashing the monorail. He takes a swig from his flask and says, “Let the fuckin’ memories begin.” BOOM!

The monorail looks like this-

And it transports people to the Magic Kingdom, EPCOT, the Transportation and Ticket Center, and the three of the best resort hotels surrounding the lake in front of the MK. It’s quite sexual, actually because it’s this big, phallic object that goes right through the Contemporary Hotel’s vaginal opening.

              Well, I actually really like the monorail. There is always a 5-year-old princess on board and the view from that high is supa cool. I know I keep going on tangents but I have one more. Okay. So my favorite thing in the world INTHEWORLD is when little girls dress up as Disney Princesses. They think they’re hot shit and it’s hilarious. The best part is, they forget that their outfit wasn’t made especially for them and that there isn’t just one Cinderella in the Kingdom that day. So these girls will be walking around the park with their parents and one Jasmine will meet ANOTHER Jasmine. Holy Shit Balls. It’s like Toddlers in Tiaras meets the Big Bang. Not the show but the actual beginning of the universe. They look at each other up and down, evaluating every aspect of the other’s quality as a princess, literally learning how to be bitches. The Very Best Part is when a Middle Eastern Jasmine meets a white Jasmine. Or a black Tiana meets an Asian Tiana. I’m surprised their heads don’t explode from the looks on their faces.

              Black Tiana looks at White Tiana like, “I don’t know what the fuck you think you’re doing but struggling worse than a Leper in the McDonald’s Play Place ball pit.”

White Tiana looks at Black Tiana like, “Wait that girl’s wearing my dres- oh shit she looks like the real Tiana! Look away! Look away!”

So there’s this thing that my friend Jordan (not her real name but I don’t want her to get in trouble) told me about called the Monorail Pub Crawl. Jordan is a fabulous mother of two who trained me at Fantasmic, looks like a Stepford Wife, and is the best person ever. She’s apparently participated in several Monorail Pub Crawls and was the leader on this adventure. Our friends, Ryan and Tyler went with as well. Tyler is like the all American boy and is super great and Ryan is really soft spoken and sweet and also super great. So the plan is to start at the Contemporary and have a drink. Then, we get on the monorail and go to the Polynesian and get a drink. Then, we go to the Grand Floridian and… get a drink! Then, we do it all over again!

Jordan also has these little cards that carries with her that are basically dares for people to perform in case things get too boring. Just keep that in mind. So we go the Contemporary and meet Ryan, and I get a long island. Next, is the Polynesian and we meet Tyler and I get something called a Slippery Seal and it’s delicious. Finally, it’s about eleven and we head over to Disney’s pride and joy hotel, the Grand Floridian. The Grand Floridian looks like this-

And it’s the most expensive hotel on Disney property so you can only imagine how strict they are about rules there. The bar is on the second level and in front of the bar is a small area set up for a band to play so the first thing that you see when you look up when you walk in the front entrance is the band on the second floor balcony. I addition, those rules apply even more to me because I was a cast member and I can’t make the company look bad.

So we’re all walking towards the bar and I see the band set up and I can’t help myself so I touch one of the microphones and it was on. Deciding that we need to finish our evening before I act like a crazy person, we all get chocolate martinis. Jordan decides that she’s bored so she pulls out a little card out of her baggy and Tyler’s dare is to approach a stranger and ask them what their favorite type of ice cream is. Tyler picks the unassuming old lady at the bar and little did he know that he would end up talking to her for over an hour.

Tyler: Hi! I’m Tyler. What’s your name?

Old Lady: (Old Lady says her name but I have no idea what it is)

Tyler: Oh, well it’s nice to meet you. Say, I was wondering, um, what’s your favorite kind of ice cream?

Old Lady: Oh, I really like pistachio.

Tyler: Pistachio, okay.

Old Lady: Yes, I really like the nuts… But not as much as I like my husband’s!

… It was already the best day and it wasn’t even nearly over. Tyler talked to the Old Lady and her husband for over an hour about who knows what. It’s funny because Tyler is the nicest person in the world and he clearly wanted to come back and sit with his friends but he wasn’t about to be rude the kind old couple who have no personal space.

                By this time I had had another long island and it was time for my debut performance at the Grand Floridian. Everyone runs and hides from me because I’m totally doing something that I could get fired for and I hop over the little velvet rope and clear my throat. I coon, “Hello, hello baby you called, I can’t hear a thing. I have got no service in the club you see, you see…” It was so great. IT WAS SO GREAT! I sang the entire acoustic version of telephone for the entire Grand Floridian Lobby and no one even stopped me. At least twenty people had stopped to watch me. I like to think that they were all laughing because I was so good and not because I was a drunk, sun burnt fool singing Lady Gaga. I finish the song and I look around and no one looks like they’re about to stop me so I decide to sing acoustic Bad Romance. I get one lyric in and the security guard shows up. Into the microphone I said, “I’m leaving,” and I got down and he was nice enough to escort us out to the monorail.

                So we’re laughing and I think I’m hilarious, and we get on the monorail with the plan to call it a night. We’re standing there and I assumed everyone else was irritated with us because they were tired from a long day at the parks and we’re loud and obnoxious and whatnot. But the monorail wasn’t leaving and people were clearly annoyed that we hadn’t started moving yet so somehow we start singing, “Just a small town girl, spent a day at Disney World. She took the monorail that’s goin’ nowhere.” What happened next was like an apocalypse. Somehow our entire car, at least thirty people were all shouting/singing with us, “Don’t stop believin’! This monorail isn’t leavin’! Magic Kingdom peopllllllllllleee!” It was seriously magical. Everyone loved us and I had two different audiences that night and I thought it was just the best thing ever. Everyone cheered and clapped and it was the perfect ending to our night.

                What can we learn from this adventure? Don’t go into the McDonald’s Play Place ball pit because you never know if a leper left his arm in it.