Disclaimer: Bradford (Bradromance) may not be held responsible in case of harassment, getting your block knocked off, or getting your feelings hurt in result of following his advice.
I just want to say that I understand that the title of this post sounds a little, “I don’t know about that.” I know I would be a little skep if I read this title too. But believe me. What I am about to tell you will not only get you whatever you want, it will also get you beaten up. You’re probly thinking, “If this guy can get whatever he wants, then why doesn’t he rule the world?” And I’m thinking, “You just need to be quiet to I can tell you, please.”
One: Just Ask.
All you have to do is ask. Sometimes I get sad like this when I want something-
But then I just follow my own advice and ask for it!
I can’t tell you how many times I have gone to Starbucks or McDonalds and asked for something and got it fo free. I’m serious! You literally just walk up to the counter and say, “Can I have an apple pie for free?” And at least, at least, fifty percent of the time they will just give it to you.
This one time my teammates from the Maverick Speech Team went to this place called Space Aliens. They sell terrible food but no one cares because a man in an alien costume comes out to give you hugs! Well, my friends Justin and Jason spent ten dollars each on coins to play the arcade games. They both get cranky when they don’t eat so for them to spend most of dinner time playing in the arcade is saying something. They finally gathered up enough tickets to buy something good. I mean really good. They got… (dramatic pause) a Mister Potato Head. They spent forever trying to figure out what to get and the poor girl behind the counter hated them. I mean she already worked at a place called Space Aliens, she didn’t need these grown-ass men trying to figure out what toy they wanted.
The counter girl seriously hated the world. It was as if she kept rolling her eyes back to see what was down her throat. So I go up to Apathetic Alice and I say, “Can I have something for free?” And she gestures with a hand so limp you’d think she hadn’t eaten in days, towards the shelves. “Can I have that Mrs. Potato Head?” She turned as if nothing could be more of a bother and set it on the counter for me to keep.J Needless to say, Justin and Jason were very upset and I was very happy.
Two: Play dumb.
People give dumb people the benefit of the doubt and it works all the time. Sometimes I get angry when I want to do something that I’m not supposed to do and I look like this-
See how angry I am! But then I listen to myself and just pretend to be stupid! For example,
Person: Excuse me, sir. You can’t swim in that fountain.
Brad: Oh I didn’t know. Sorry.
Person: Brad, you know you can’t text in class. Put your phone away.
Brad: Oh I didn’t know that.
Person: You didn’t know you couldn’t text in class?
Brad: Sorry I didn’t know.
Person: Sir, you can’t be over here!
Brad: What? Omygod I didn’t know.
Person: No, you did know. There’s a sign right here.
Brad: That’s so weird, I had no idea.
See? Works every time.
Three: Make weird noises.
People get really uncomfortable around people who make weird noises. Ok. Well, there’s this thing called the Megabus and it is insane. Basically, it’s a double-decker bus that’s super cheap and takes you anywhere and I was taking it for eight hours from Minneapolis to Chicago. I have heard more horror stories about the Megabus than Disney puke stories (Disney Puke Stories coming soon.) I read one review that a Megabus bus driver hit a woman and kept driving. And then I read another review that a bus driver blasted Mariah Carey’s greatest hits the whole time. Well, I was not about to deal with any of that bullcrap, let alone sit next to a stranger.
My sister lives next door to this guy who has Tourettes. And he makes a noise that sounds like this-
Not terrible, just terrible if you had to listen to it for eight hours. Well I decided that I would make that noise at the Megabus bus stop so that no one would sit next to me! I did not pretend to have a disability or pretend to be disabled. I just decided to make an annoying noise so that I could have two seats to myself.
So I get to this scary parking lot in the middle of downtown Minneapolis and I see about fifteen other people waiting so I make the noise about five times in fifteen minutes. Then, each time a new person would walk over I would make the noise at least two more time. The BEST PART was that everyone was looking apprehensive and no one was looking angry. But seriously. Imagine the kid with John Lennon/Harry Potter sunglasses, playing Pokemon Yellow on his Gameboy making this noise over and over again-
It would be awful to sit next to him for eight hours.
I am pleased to say that I napped and ate pretzels and listened to Gaga and trained my Butterfree to a level twenty-one on that bus ride. And I was so happy that I felt like this-
My idea was awesome. In fact, I would say that my idea was super effective. (If you understand that reference, you can either fist pump or kill yourself.)
So what can we learn from this lesson besides the fact that I am very rude? That lady clearly wasn’t looking both ways when she was crossing the street. I mean the bus is called Mega… it’s huge.
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