You know how when the quarter back or something wins the Super Bowl and the reporter asks what they’re going to do next they say, “I’m going to Disney World!” Well that actually happens. Celebrities like Disney World just as much as the kids in the commercials.
Let’s go back in time. I worked at Disney World for four months at the Rockin’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith at Disney’s Hollywood Studios. It was the FUNNEST! One: I worked at the happiest place on earth. Two: I worked at the best ride. C: I spent my days off drinking margaritas and lokos at the happiest place on earth. I lived in Disney Housing with five other straight boys which was a testament and a blessing. They were all super awesome and we spent many a day together discussing fashion choices and what girls are thinking.
My friends and I had adventures on the party bus which was basically a coach bus that took us from our apartments to da clubs fo ten dinero. ITWASTHEBESTDEALEVER! We got mocha by the pool. We rode rides hoping that they would break down. (Getting evacuated off a ride was our dream.) And then we would go to work and complain about all the guests and how they need to not yell at us when the line is longer than an hour.
Well, I soon found out that if I wanted to see a celebrity, I was a good ride to do it. The Rockin’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith is the only upside down roller coaster at Disney so all the big kids want to ride it. The best position to be in to see a star is at unload where everyone gets off the ride. Guest Relations will take the celebrity up through the gift shop and tell us that their guest needs to get on at unload. We have to think of an excuse to talk to the celebrity because if we fawn over them or give them too much attention, we could get fired. So when I saw Michael Buble I said, “Uh, do you guys want to ride again or…” And he said, “No that’s okay. Thanks, man.” Michael Buble smells really good and his wife is gorgeous and she doesn’t speak any English. Lahv et.
But I soon found out that all the celebrities hated me. It was as if I was the person that inspired private events on Fachelibro. I was always on break or in an outside position when they would ride the ride! I would hear, “Just saw Courtney Cox!” and “Christina Aguilera was here. She looks really fat” and “Just fist pumped A-Rod.” Up until one of the most embarrassing days of my life, I had only met Tia Mowry from Sister Sister and fist pumped a bunch of football players on ESPN weekend but of course I had no idea who any of them were.
My friend, Amanda was working at unload one day and Guest Relations told her that they were going to have someone load at unload and she was like, OK whatever. So this guy walks up to her and they start small talking, “How are you?” “Oh I’m from New Jersey” “New Jersey! Me too!” Well, the guy and his family get on the ride and sit in the front car and get the whole train to themselves. When they come around again Amanda tells them to sit in row six because it’s the fastest row. So they do and they love it. The entire time, however, this old guy keeps smiling at her and winking at her and she just assumes that he is a rich, creepy, old man. They leave and thank her and Amanda is none the wiser. The rich, creepy, old man was Bruce Willis.
So I’m pissed! I saw stupid Michael Buble and Tia Mowry. Big Deal. Then, as I was giving up hope on hanging out with Tina Fey’s daughter (as did my friend, Nicky) I arrived at one of the most embarrassing days of my life. I was at unload, checking to see if anyone left something in their seat when Guest Relations tells me what’s going down. I get super excited and I look! … And it’s just some stupid family and I didn’t recognize any of them. So they are getting in the train and the dad is collecting bags and such and then he just stands there waiting for them to leave. Why he didn’t want to ride, I don’t know.
This is the dad but he was wearing khakis and a polo.
So I say, “Sir, I need you to step right behind this gate over here.” (Because no one can be in front of the gates except cast-members.) “Right over here, sir.” The man apparently does not understand me. “¡Señor, aquí! ¡Aquí! ¡Aquí!” Then, a man I did not see before from behind the gate says, “He doesn’t speak Spanish.” The man is wearing an Agent Smith earpiece and a fedora. Well the dad figures out what I’m trying to tell him and steps behind the gate with Agent Smith. The Guest Relations lady walks over to me and I say, “So who are these people?” and she says, “Oh. That’s the Royal Family of Morocco.”
…
Later that day I look them up on Wikipedia and I was floored. I told the King of Morocco, in Spanish, in my most impatient tone, to step behind the gate. They weren’t wearing crowns or anything! They looked just like a normal family! AND they totally looked Hispanic and not Middle Eastern. I guess that Agent Smith was part of their secret service. The only actually really cool people that I met I was impatient with. Cool, Brad. Really cool.
So what can we learn from this story? Christina Aguilera seriously needs to lose her baby weight, that’s what.
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