Monorail Pub Crawl

The monorail at Disney World is beloved and hated by all. People love it because they don’t have to worry about transportation, it’s free, and kids think it’s the best. Others hate it because it smells of permanent BO, someone is always crying, and no matter where you are on the train, you always get stuck next the obese guy who doesn’t really smell (you just imagine he does) or some person who takes up the space of three people because they’re in a goddamn scooter that they can’t even control. The HoverRound should be easy to use. It really should. They made that one old lady spin around in circles for hours while filming the commercial and if she can do it I’m convinced anyone else can.

              Anyway. The monorail is like thirty or forty feet in the air or something and it runs on a big slab of concrete and one of the conductors crashed it a couple of years ago and killed himself. I always imagine him suffering the breakup of his girlfriend (boyfriend if we’re being real; it’s Disney, people). He lights a cigarette and decides to end it all… by crashing the monorail. He takes a swig from his flask and says, “Let the fuckin’ memories begin.” BOOM!

The monorail looks like this-

And it transports people to the Magic Kingdom, EPCOT, the Transportation and Ticket Center, and the three of the best resort hotels surrounding the lake in front of the MK. It’s quite sexual, actually because it’s this big, phallic object that goes right through the Contemporary Hotel’s vaginal opening.

              Well, I actually really like the monorail. There is always a 5-year-old princess on board and the view from that high is supa cool. I know I keep going on tangents but I have one more. Okay. So my favorite thing in the world INTHEWORLD is when little girls dress up as Disney Princesses. They think they’re hot shit and it’s hilarious. The best part is, they forget that their outfit wasn’t made especially for them and that there isn’t just one Cinderella in the Kingdom that day. So these girls will be walking around the park with their parents and one Jasmine will meet ANOTHER Jasmine. Holy Shit Balls. It’s like Toddlers in Tiaras meets the Big Bang. Not the show but the actual beginning of the universe. They look at each other up and down, evaluating every aspect of the other’s quality as a princess, literally learning how to be bitches. The Very Best Part is when a Middle Eastern Jasmine meets a white Jasmine. Or a black Tiana meets an Asian Tiana. I’m surprised their heads don’t explode from the looks on their faces.

              Black Tiana looks at White Tiana like, “I don’t know what the fuck you think you’re doing but struggling worse than a Leper in the McDonald’s Play Place ball pit.”

White Tiana looks at Black Tiana like, “Wait that girl’s wearing my dres- oh shit she looks like the real Tiana! Look away! Look away!”

So there’s this thing that my friend Jordan (not her real name but I don’t want her to get in trouble) told me about called the Monorail Pub Crawl. Jordan is a fabulous mother of two who trained me at Fantasmic, looks like a Stepford Wife, and is the best person ever. She’s apparently participated in several Monorail Pub Crawls and was the leader on this adventure. Our friends, Ryan and Tyler went with as well. Tyler is like the all American boy and is super great and Ryan is really soft spoken and sweet and also super great. So the plan is to start at the Contemporary and have a drink. Then, we get on the monorail and go to the Polynesian and get a drink. Then, we go to the Grand Floridian and… get a drink! Then, we do it all over again!

Jordan also has these little cards that carries with her that are basically dares for people to perform in case things get too boring. Just keep that in mind. So we go the Contemporary and meet Ryan, and I get a long island. Next, is the Polynesian and we meet Tyler and I get something called a Slippery Seal and it’s delicious. Finally, it’s about eleven and we head over to Disney’s pride and joy hotel, the Grand Floridian. The Grand Floridian looks like this-

And it’s the most expensive hotel on Disney property so you can only imagine how strict they are about rules there. The bar is on the second level and in front of the bar is a small area set up for a band to play so the first thing that you see when you look up when you walk in the front entrance is the band on the second floor balcony. I addition, those rules apply even more to me because I was a cast member and I can’t make the company look bad.

So we’re all walking towards the bar and I see the band set up and I can’t help myself so I touch one of the microphones and it was on. Deciding that we need to finish our evening before I act like a crazy person, we all get chocolate martinis. Jordan decides that she’s bored so she pulls out a little card out of her baggy and Tyler’s dare is to approach a stranger and ask them what their favorite type of ice cream is. Tyler picks the unassuming old lady at the bar and little did he know that he would end up talking to her for over an hour.

Tyler: Hi! I’m Tyler. What’s your name?

Old Lady: (Old Lady says her name but I have no idea what it is)

Tyler: Oh, well it’s nice to meet you. Say, I was wondering, um, what’s your favorite kind of ice cream?

Old Lady: Oh, I really like pistachio.

Tyler: Pistachio, okay.

Old Lady: Yes, I really like the nuts… But not as much as I like my husband’s!

… It was already the best day and it wasn’t even nearly over. Tyler talked to the Old Lady and her husband for over an hour about who knows what. It’s funny because Tyler is the nicest person in the world and he clearly wanted to come back and sit with his friends but he wasn’t about to be rude the kind old couple who have no personal space.

                By this time I had had another long island and it was time for my debut performance at the Grand Floridian. Everyone runs and hides from me because I’m totally doing something that I could get fired for and I hop over the little velvet rope and clear my throat. I coon, “Hello, hello baby you called, I can’t hear a thing. I have got no service in the club you see, you see…” It was so great. IT WAS SO GREAT! I sang the entire acoustic version of telephone for the entire Grand Floridian Lobby and no one even stopped me. At least twenty people had stopped to watch me. I like to think that they were all laughing because I was so good and not because I was a drunk, sun burnt fool singing Lady Gaga. I finish the song and I look around and no one looks like they’re about to stop me so I decide to sing acoustic Bad Romance. I get one lyric in and the security guard shows up. Into the microphone I said, “I’m leaving,” and I got down and he was nice enough to escort us out to the monorail.

                So we’re laughing and I think I’m hilarious, and we get on the monorail with the plan to call it a night. We’re standing there and I assumed everyone else was irritated with us because they were tired from a long day at the parks and we’re loud and obnoxious and whatnot. But the monorail wasn’t leaving and people were clearly annoyed that we hadn’t started moving yet so somehow we start singing, “Just a small town girl, spent a day at Disney World. She took the monorail that’s goin’ nowhere.” What happened next was like an apocalypse. Somehow our entire car, at least thirty people were all shouting/singing with us, “Don’t stop believin’! This monorail isn’t leavin’! Magic Kingdom peopllllllllllleee!” It was seriously magical. Everyone loved us and I had two different audiences that night and I thought it was just the best thing ever. Everyone cheered and clapped and it was the perfect ending to our night.

                What can we learn from this adventure? Don’t go into the McDonald’s Play Place ball pit because you never know if a leper left his arm in it.

                

Writing for Special People: A Blog Genesis

So I’m in a class called specialized writing but I like to call it writing for special people. It’s funny. Basically the class consists of writing editorials and things like that. Well we have to have a blog and I said to myself, “Brad,” I said, “this is the perfect opportunity to blog more.” So here we are! I think today, I will post something that I wrote four years ago.

            I’m in this thing called forensics. You have to talk in front of people and “act” and make up speeches on the spot and shit like that. I once described it to Josh as being “very liberal” and he said, “You think that a group of people walking around in suits, talking about things that aren’t too radical, with people judging you the whole time is liberal?” … Meow. (Pronounced mee-aahh.)

            There is an even called ADS which stands for Afternoon DelightS and you basically have to create a ten minute persuasive speech that’s funny. This is the one I wrote my freshman year that isn’t necessarily good but I like it. That’s how a lot of my freshman year went. People hated on me and I said, “whateva” and they said, “but seriously” and I said, “I do me.” So here it is. 

"Last October I found this fabulous leopard print shirt on ebay for only 12 dollars minus shipping from Japan. I. Was. Ecstatic. But before I could buy it I had to convince myself that I needed it. Then. I realized. I still needed a shirt to wear with my shimmery red tie. I strutted into that next Gustavus Adolphus speech tournament wearing my Japanese leopard print like a lion… disguised as a leopard. My coach was thrilled. I think her face looked something like this. (at this point I make a horrified face.) Then- she tells me that there’s no place for leopards in speech… and while I’m at that I should cut of my lion mane. Apparently there’s no room for big pussies in forensics. My heart nearly broke. But then I remembered reading in the Courier mail on my weekend trip to Australia that the true goal of criticism is to become the best that they can be.

So why are people such little wussy babies who can’t take criticism. Well, we want to see the good in ourselves and we hope that others see the same. When someone tells Britney not to shave her head and someone tells me that I should, we become hurt and upset rather than evaluating their opinions to see if there is any truth behind it. So today we will see why we need to toughen up and embrace criticism by first looking at the causes of our oversensitivity, observing the effects of this touchy feely dilemma, and finally, by growing a pair… generating some solutions.

In order to understand what causes our oversensitivity we can explore the theoretical concept of face work; before looking at some everyday occurrences of face maintenance. To begin, we can see that people are concerned about their face. Yeah. You. You should get that looked at. Actually by face I referring to Erving Goffman who defines face in his 1955 essay “On Facework” as, “the positive social value a person effectively claims for himself.” So if we base value on the way that people perceive us then little Kavan Rogness must be dirt poor. According to the book Managing Conflict through communication by Dudley D. Kahn and Ruth Anna Abigail, “Face is fundamental to who we think we are.” Most people want what is called a positive face, which means that they want others to like and respect them. When someone says something to us that hurts our feelings, we imagine that what they have said ruins our face. Ow. Chiseled cheekbones. The image that we want others to perceive of us is tarnished and we’ll do anything to keep that from happening.

One of the Key ways that people maintain face in their everyday lives is to subconsciously create a society that feels the need to feel good all the time like with Dora in Mehico where everything is clean and no one steals and everything is happy all the time. The result of Dora is that we never learn to effectively navigate the tension between self and other perceptions. We are constantly taking pills, adding entertainment, and finding something that can make us clap our hands. I think that some of us took the song if you’re happy and you know it a little too seriously. For example more people watch ADS than CA. That’s because CA is for the extemp kids that don’t have any friends. (extemp is an event that the poorly dressed kids participate in) And according to thinkprogress.org 2006, “NBC’s Nightly News devoted 14 seconds to Iraq and compared to 3 minutes and thirteen seconds compared to when Anna Nicole died. CNN referenced Anna Nicole 522% more frequently than it did Iraq. MSNBC was even worse- 708% more references to Anna Nicole than Iraq.” We are clearly ignoring what’s depressing and focusing on what’s entertaining… Because entertainment is defined as washed up drugged up toh up fro da flo up celebrities that OD and die and leave their child in the middle of a tugga war contest.

Like Britney Spears’ album, our life is like a circus. To live in our circus we feel the need to compartmentalize that bad issues in their own little ring, the one by the strong man and the bearded lady. While focusing only on the center ring where lions are riding on elephants. On elephants!

Our society is clearly focused on entertainment and not issues that could, oh I don’t know, concern us? So now that we know why Mary gets upset when I say that she smells like hobo dick cheese, we can look at the effects that oversensitivity has on our society as a whole. The effects of our oversensitivity are may be summed up in two points. First we are more fragile than a lightbulb shoved up a butthole and second, we have become less honest with others and ourselves.

To begin, we can start this paragraph in typical annoying PA fashion. But first. People get effing worked up over everything. In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine 2006 about her movie Mysteries of Pittsburgh, Sienna Miller describes the city as, “Shittsburgh.” Well, the citizens were so appalled that someone would say that about their city that she publicly apologized the day after the article was released. Did anyone pause long enough to realize that Pittsburgh is uh-scusting? Was she wrong about what she said? We didn’t even make God apologize for Dr. Phil. Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, and the Dixie Chicks have all been pressured to apologize for their views. They aren’t ready to make nice. Instead of evaluating opinions to find possibilities for change, people are wasting their time being mad that their bubble of good feelings has been popped.

Not only are we raising our blood pressure, but we are becoming less honest. We are so thin skinned that we are afraid to say what we actually think for fear of offending others. According to progressiveu.org, last updated December 30^th 2008, “people find it difficult to say things straight forward. They’ve become so worried about saying almost anything. Having an opinion seems almost dangerous now.” Being so careful prevents us from meaning what we say and saying what we mean. For example I could say, “Hey uh, Christopher, have you ever used axe deodorant? It’s awesome… you turn into chocolate and girls eat you.” Or I could say, “God Christopher. You smell bad.” Which is more effective? Still not buying that honesty is the best policy? Let’s say that I get an ADS ballot saying that the judge thinks I had an off round. Now substitute that comment for this one, “Your humor is ineffective for the topic.” Which comment is more likely to get me to change the humor that I put in my speech?

After understanding the causes and effects of being so oversensitive, we can now turn to some solutions. So how can society make Christopher smell better? We need to embrace the things that make us feel bad, because sometimes it’s their job. This focus on the feelings of others emphasizes the good and pushes away the bad. Because we are constantly made to feel good we don’t realize that feeling bad may be necessary. For starters we need to quit with all of the participatory awards. Look at some of the tournaments that we compete at! Seventh place, out of seven, in ADS receiving an extra trophy that we just had laying around goes to… well I hope not me, because that’s embarrassing. However, I can take that bad feeling and use it to improve my speech. So judges, give us constructive criticism! If you’re going to give me a five tell me why!

Bad feelings are necessary because we learn from them and we can use these feelings to make better decisions for the future. For example, when we encounter a bad feeling like guilt over ignoring a friendship because we’re gone hanging out with speech nerds all weekend, we feel more motivated to pick up the phone a nurture that friendship. Kenneth Burke refers to this as the guilt redemption cycle. And who better to know about guilt than a raging alcoholic? Our emotional reactions say something about others and ourselves, we need to critically reflect about what that something is.

So now we know why we need to look at criticism effectively. But second, once we confront what makes us feel bad, we need to reframe it. In the book, Difficult conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, reframing is defined as, “taking the essence of what the other person says and ‘translating it’ into concepts that are more helpful…” So if someone said that I’m an obnoxiously flamboyant, bitchy, stuck up, ken doll who only cares about fashion, Britney, Starbucks, and himself, I should respond by thinking two things before deciding to accept or reject what you have just said. First was what you said valid? That pretty much sums it up. Yes. Second why would you say this to me? Chances are I’ll just ignore you but maybe I’ll listen and learn from your comment. And you probably just said this because you’re jeal of my fabulosity. This reframing of other’s criticism is exactly the type of critical reflection in which we need to engage.

Today we have looked at why we need grow a pair, how thin skin ruins my life, and that we should consider what people say and then let it roll off our shoulders. People are going to say mean things to and about you and especially you (and then I would point at someone, it was hilarious) for the rest of your life. Dealing with what they say is what society needs to work towards… So my coach and I agreed to a compromise. She got her way by not dancing about the issue and I got my way by upgrading myself. I’m sorry about what I said to you before. Really. You don’t look that bad. I can see that you definitely tried. But if you’re still mad at me then you can get over it and so will I."

Basically, the inspiration for You Don't Take Criticism Very Well. My how I've changed. 

Guest Blogger Jason's, The Human's Guide To Being Human

                Jason is one of my very good friends. We’re a lot alike in many ways. I’m really good looking, he’s really good looking. I’m a pretentious asshole, he’s a pretentious asshole. I’m gay; he’s gay… for Jesus.  Jason also hates everything. Like me. So without further ado, guest blogger Jason presents, A Human’s Guide to Being Human.

The war has begun.

The wonders of modern genetics have given us a glimpse into the history of the human species.  A scarily large proportion of creatures which walk the earth on two legs only appear to be fellow Homo Sapiens.  Allow me to explain.  Archeologists have known for over 200 years of another human species, the Neanderthals, thinking all along that the species is extinct.  While the true Neanderthal has indeed died out, a surprising finding presented itself to geneticists just a few short years ago… a finding that came to explain one of the most prominent problems in the world today. You see, thousands of years ago, a few curious Homo Sapiens and a few curious Homo Neanderthalensi got together and did a little business.  Little did they know, their actions would lead to a 2012 world full of Homo Sapien Neanderthensi…or to put it bluntly, Sub-Humans.  At first glance it’s difficult to tell, especially for the untrained eye, but they walk among us (which is an identifiable characteristic, as you’ll read). 

A Sub-Human can be defined in many different ways, but a fine blanket statement would be to describe one as someone who “just doesn’t get it.”  They speak at an overwhelming volume on their cell phones,  instantly recline their seat on an airplane, match the speed of the person in the opposite lane on the highway so no one can pass, and order “expresso.”  A Sub-Human can possess one or all of these qualities depending on the degree of Neanderthal in their genes. 

All is not lost, however, because we are fortunately not fighting against mindless Zombies.  What separates Sub-Humans from Zombies is the ability to learn and adapt.  Until this point, the major differences between our two kinds (Homo Sapien Sapiens and Homo Sapien Neanderthensi) have not been pinpointed, documented, and solved in easy, step-by-step format.  This is my quest, and personal contribution towards the war on Sub-Humans.  But let us not think of it as a battle against the Sub-Humans themselves; it’s not right to hurt people for having smaller brains (who would work at McDonald’s?).  Instead, let us wage war on their lack of knowledge of social norms, their disregard for culture and politeness, and  their love of chewing with their mouths open.  Let us together defeat the savage-like nature of these creatures, and work toward a world of civil Humans.

I present to you… A Human’s Guide to Being Human.

It should be noted that this is written in a format for Humans to directly read to or regurgitate to Sub-Humans, as most are unable to read.  I’m only addressing one major topic in this post, but it’s one of the most important problems we face today, and one that I’m most passionate about.

A Human’s Guide to Walking

Humans learn to walk as toddlers.  It’s something that we’ve been doing for longer than we can remember.  It seems like a simple task.  It seems like we’d be experts at something that we’ve been doing for so long.  But we all, it seems, are mistaken.  The ignorant walking tendencies of our world’s sub-humans pose a large danger to the more intelligent walkers of the world.  Here are a few basic rules to follow to start walking like a real Human today.

1)      Find a regionally appropriate driver’s manual.

2)      Read it.

3)      Apply every rule to walking.

4)      If you don’t understand these instructions, proceed to 4-A

A.      walk in front of a bus.

Despite the fact that these three steps are completely sufficient to provide the user with a successful, and Human-status walking experience, I feel the need to expand on a few paramount details.

·         Walk on the right side of the walking area.  Slower walkers keep to the right.  Faster walkers pass on the left.

o   Note that Step 1 above was very deliberately written to find a regionally appropriate driver’s manual.  If you try to walk on the right side of the road in England, you’ll find that the people you keep running into aren’t as polite as everyone says they are.

·         Yield at an uncontrolled intersection.  This means any time you could potentially make a right turn to an equal or larger-sized walkway, look to the right to ensure no one is coming.  There is no need to yield to a smaller walkway, as any accident at said type of intersection would be the fault of the other walker. If an incident occurs and the other walker is at fault, bat them on the nose, firmly explain why they are a lesser being, and continue on your walk.

o   If you are in the smaller walkway walking perpendicularly towards a larger, you must yield to the left, as the oncoming traffic will be one-way.  (see figure 1-1)

Figure 1-1

·         When making a left turn, you mustn’t cut off the path of an oncoming walker.  It may feel faster to cut the inside path, but research has shown that you’ll experience a head-on collision at least 80% of the time.

·         Do not stop suddenly in a walkway.  I will repeat this sentence to ensure it sticks.  Do not stop suddenly in a walkway.  While this may seem elementary, I assure you there are regular violators of this very important rule, which can interrupt the flow of a walkway for blocks.  Collisions are one of the least of the problems which can arise, including beverage spills, dropped shopping sacks, and even tripping and falling… on an ugly person.  Some of the world’s greatest walkers have ended their careers due to sudden stops, so please take these words to heart.  Do not stop suddenly in a walkway.

·         I’d also like to take this opportunity to address some advanced walking techniques.  As individuals who are learning the more Human-like way of walking, please refrain from doing some of the more advanced walking techniques until the basics have been mastered.  These include: speaking while walking, walking backwards, crossing the street without the aid of crosswalk lights, using escalators, going to large events (such as concerts or professional sports games), and walking on a treadmill. 

The battle for a united species of Humans will wage on for years to come.  It will not be easy, but no fight for freedom from tyranny is. As a final note, I’d like to point out that I haven’t forgotten about my friends in wheelchairs.  All of the above points apply to you as well.  Especially the part about not using escalators. 

Sista Sista! (Sung in a Sing Song Voice)

                Sam and I are sitting at Starbucks right now and she effing hates me so much. I’m singing half hearted jingles about everything because 1. I love to sing and B. I just drank a venti Starbucks Double Shot on Ice and I’m supa hypa. She also hates me because I don’t wear my hat right the way, I keep getting angry at old people, and I’m a piss sore winner for every game we play. Sam is my sista sista and we have been best friends since she was born only a year and nine days after me.  Here is a picture of us as best friends

                So you know how models are supposed to be really dumb and pretty and obsess over their hair? Well Sam is all three. Okay, okay, that’s not true. She’s not that pretty. In all real life actuality, Sam is very talented and smart and is majoring in film at Columbia College of Chicago. That’s why when we meet new people together I have to tell them about myself first because once they hear “Chicago” and “film school” all of the sudden Mankato doesn’t seem so awesome… because it totally is… Growing up, Sam’s life was very different from the one she leads now. She basically lived the life of Lizzie McGuire without the weird doppelganger, Italy, pop star storyline. Except her doppelganger is Justin Bieber but she never got to sing at one of his concerts. Never say never! (Sung in a singsong voice.)

Can you tell which one is Bieber?

                When we were in middle school, everyone used to meet in the gym before school started and sometimes the principal would make announcements since everyone was in the same place at the same time. Well, like, four times that year she kept screaming at us about people vandalizing the bathrooms and I didn’t really understand why because I never saw anything wrong with the boy’s room. Then, at the end of the year, Sam comes up to me…

Sam: Brahd.

Brad: Sahm. (That’s how we say each other’s names.)

Sam: So you know how we always kept getting yelled at for vandalizing the bathrooms?

Brad: Yeah.

Sam: Okay. Well, that was me and Erica.

Brad: What.

Sam: Okay well, we can reach our hands up into the tampon machine and we would get them wet in the sink and throw them up so they stuck to the ceiling.

The epitome of hooligans.

                Coincidentally, Sam decided to be a Q-Tip for Halloween one year. Why? I don’t know. But she looked like a giant tampon. Like a huge effing tampon. … Like, imagine a five foot tampon just walking down the street asking you for candy. I can’t believe that my parents didn’t say anything…

Sam used to have long beautiful hair and then she decided she was like Jenny from the Block and she’d had Enough of her hair and chopped all of it off when she was a junior. Probably the worst decision she’s ever made because now she looks hideous. The first day that she cut her hair short, she made sure to wear a dress to school but she wasn’t thinking so clearly the second day. She wore a shirt with a rainbow on it. Total lezzy move. Just even the other day she heard, “Oh I didn’t know if you were a lesbian or a gay boy I wanted to make out with.”

But the best “Sam has short hair story” is when she moved to Chicago. She just got off the plane and she was in the airport and she heads off the bathroom. She’s washing her hands and this lady walks in and sees Sam and goes, “Oh! I’m sorry. I thought this was the women’s…” And she leaves. She must have realized her mistake and she comes walking back and my sister gives her a death glare and flips her off and walks out. Ugh, typical angry lesbian… lol.

In her second year of college she was signed on with Factor, a support group for those struggling to continue being anorexic. Sam was already a size two when she was signed on and they told her to lose two inches off her hips and thighs. So she does. And then they’re like, “Mm yeah. You’re going to have to lose more of your fat… so…” And she did! And now they’re still telling her to lose more weight! I mean she really could stand to lose a few more el bees. Personally, I won’t be happy until she looks like this-

                It’s a good thing that she has a sense of humor about the whole modeling thing because that job is crazy. In addition to the whole not eating thing, there are about a billion other things she has to deal with. One time before a runway show, the director lectured all the models and told them that they better be dressed by their turn to walk or she would send them out naked and that she was serious about it. So Sam does her first runway walk and comes back and starts to change and someone tells her that she didn’t have to change into her second outfit and to get into her third. Then, the serious lady yells at her to get back into her second piece and then by that time it was Sam’s turn to go out on the runway and she was just standing backstage naked. And serious lady goes, “You need to get out there NOOOOWWW!”  Like Sam’s just going to be all, “Oh okay” and strut out in her birthday suit.

One time she farted at the end of the runway.

To clear some things up- I don’t think Sam is that ugly. Yes, she is straight. And she’s a really talented film maker. She did this movie with just her laptop.

                What can we learn from my sister? You can be a model and do whatever the fuck you want. You want to crop dust a runway? Go for it. You wanna dress like a tampon for Halloween? Sweet.  Her next move is to go all Domino Harvey and become a bounty hunter and have sex in the desert with a Mexican. Believe me. She can do anything.