Broker Than a Joker

               Basically I’m really poor and I don’t have a job. I mean I guess that ten percent of the rest of America doesn’t either but how am I supposed to spend my money poorly if I don’t have any money to spend? I used to mow my professor’s lawn but I don’t think I did a very good job because when I asked if I could mow her lawn again this summer she told me that a twelve year old took the position. And then I got fired from Barnes and Noble and my old manager runs and hides from me every time I go there now.

                So I decided to go on Craigslist and see what the deal was and I absentmindedly applied for a roofing job. The funny part is that they hired me. When I talked to my boss during the interview he said that it would be the hardest thing that I’ve ever done in my life and that 90% of people quit on their first day. And I was all, “Maybe you don’t know me but I am Brad Romance. I have the worst breath of anyone I know. I watch action movies. AND I can blow fire. I am a man. I can do anything.”

                For some reason he hires me and I show up for work the next day at six in the morning without getting any sleep because I was SO EXCITED! Little did I know that when you roof a house, you have to carry heavy things and you are not in an air conditioned environment and people don’t serve you lemonade. I worked my freaking butt off.

This is how you roof a house:

1.    Carry all the heavy things out to the front lawn of the house and surround the house with tarps.

2.      Rip all the shingles off the house with a pitchfork while standing on a makeshift six inch wide platform that you hope stays connected to the roof you are currently tearing apart.

3.    Pull the tarps with all the shingles to the dumpster and throw them in.

4.    Get covered in dirt and scratched everywhere.

5.     Carry fifty pound bundles of shingles to the roof, on a ladder, and hope that you don’t fall off.

6.     Cry.

I looked like this halfway through the day-

Notice the tears.

                As it turns out we were roofing the minister’s house that day. For some reason the minister watched us roof his house for over three hours. Now I can’t speak for the minister but he either has a strange fascination with roofing houses or a strange fascination with the shirtless men roofing them. His wife did not seem to share his interest.

When I got home I looked like I had just barely survived the attack on Hogwarts. I was bleeding freely from both my knees and I pretty sure that one of my toenails is going to fall off any day now. The problem was that I had to go back for a second day because I was not going to be a statistic. I refused to be a part of the 90% that quit on the first day! Fortunately for me, SOMETHING AMAZING HAPPENED the next day!

                When I showed up to work, everyone was fairly surprised that the skinny kid who couldn’t do anything was back but I pushed through and I went to roof my second house! The most terrible thing about the second day was that there was no hose to refill my water bottle and there was no public restroom nearby. I asked what we were supposed to do and I discovered that the rest of the roofers just pee into their empty water bottles in the equipment trailers. The good thing was that I was so dehydrated that I just didn’t have to pee for a whole thirteen hours! I felt like this-

                By the end of the day we had finished early so my boss told me and this other guy (we’ll call him Roger) to clean out the trailers and make them look all organized. Now THAT was something I could do. So Roger and I are moving saws and such out of the trailer and we start to small talk and he asks if I have a girlfriend. (I don’t think that many of these men are very intuitive.) And I said, “No, I’m gay.” And he pauses for a second and goes, “Oh well since you were so open with me, I’m a little bi-curious myself.” I am a little surprised at how this conversation is going in the trailer of a roofing company filled with construction tools. “Oh that’s cool.” I pick up something, walk out of the trailer, walk back in and lean up against the shelves and GUESS WHAT HE SAYS! “Well, this is probably a little forward but wanna hook up tonight?” I was floored. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I haven’t been hit on all summer and it happens when I have been stabbed, scratched, and burned? When I am drenched in sweat, sorer than I have ever been, bleeding and chafing everywhere?! At a roofing company?!! You want to see if I want to “hook up” when I feel and look like this-

 To top it all off I was leaning against a bottle of pee.

                I quit after the day was over. But! I made it! I made it two days when most people only make it in one! So take that world! What can we learn from this? I may be able to blow fire but I am still broker than a joker.

Disney Puke Stories

               Disney World loves vomit. Vomit makes the tea cups go round. One of the most unforgettable things about working at Disney World is experiencing how disgusting the human body can actually be. The Disney Castmembers have a secret language that sounds something like this, “Ugh, alpha side is down. The fifth dimension is acting up again so we’re one-oh-one.” Or you might hear, “There’s a guest without a GAC card in Jafar. Can you talk to him?” But what you really don’t want to hear is, “There’s a code V in the bypass hallway. Call showkeeping.”

                A “code V” stands for code vomit. Some of the people who have worked there longer call it a “protein spill.” Sometimes we’ll call for a code V if there’s pee or blood somewhere but it mostly means puke. One time there was this little boy who just got to the front of the line on the Rockin’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith and he had to go to the bathroom. Not a big deal. Happens all the time. We just send them out through the gift shop and when they come back they just cut in line. Well, apparently the mother did not understand where the bathroom was or if her son could make it but she decided that it would be best if he just peed in a water bottle that she had in the hallway. Needless to say, there was five year old pee all over the floor. They didn’t bother to tell anyone either. They just got in the roller coaster and continued to have a magical day.

                My friend Jamey used to work at Expedition Everest Starring the Yeti at Animal Kingdom but now he’s “friends with” Prince Phillip because he’s annoyingly handsome. Anyway, people flip out on this ride because it goes backwards in the dark at one point and they think that they’re either going upside down or dying. I don’t know. But everyone gets sick. So I guess when the train was at unload a man threw up in row nine and splashed everyone up to row one. Unfortunately, those people did not survive the expedition.

                I had another friend and his name was Brad too! He worked at Mission: Space Starring Gary Sinise. Ok so this is Mission: Space Starring Gary Sinise- It’s a ride that simulates what it’s like to launch from a space shuttle to Mars and the ride spins super fast so that you feel the g-force like you’re really launching into space and it makes everyone really sick. So you are in an enclosed space that looks like this-

And you have no idea that you’re spinning but the g-force is pushing on you hardcore and that makes some people sick. The ride actually comes with barf bags. Ok, so you are at Disney World and you are having a magical adventure and you get into the ride after seeing nine warning signs to not ride the ride. You sit in your pod that holds four people and the doors close on either side of you. Then the ride starts and Gary Sinise starts talking and the panel in front of you tilts forward and it’s super claustrophobic. It looks like this-

                 So Brad tells me that one time a person threw up everywhere and didn’t make it to the barf bag. So they call showkeeping, lalala, and it gets all cleaned up. Well no one realized that the person puked all up on the top part of the panel when it was tilted forward during the ride. So the next four people get in the ride and it starts and the panel tilts forward and vomit drips off the top and into their laps like this-

The worst part was that once the ride started spinning the g-force pushed whatever puke was left right at the people. They were very upset.

                AND THIS OTHER TIME I was working and this grown-ass man decided to paint the walls with his insides. Thank the universe that I didn’t see it happen because I would have contributed to the mess but I did see all of the towels. Apparently, this guy gets off the rollercoaster, pukes inside his seat, pukes on the floor outside the train, then holds his hands to his mouth to contain the puke but the puke just shoots through his fingers. He then goes to the garbage can and tries to cup the puke in his hands and throw it into the trash. Finally, he walks/pukes through the gift shop leaving a trail of puke as if he needed to find his way back.

                The ride was stalled for over forty five minutes for cleanup. And that’s not even the half of it. People are barfing, bleeding, puking, and pooping all over the place there. It all gets cleaned up and everywhere is super sanitary but chances are that someone has puked on every surface area of that entire kingdom. Even the monorail has a permanent smell.  So what can we learn from this? If you have to throw up at Disney World just do it because seriously, everyone else is. 

How To Get Whatever You Want

                Disclaimer: Bradford (Bradromance) may not be held responsible in case of harassment, getting your block knocked off, or getting your feelings hurt in result of following his advice.

                I just want to say that I understand that the title of this post sounds a little, “I don’t know about that.” I know I would be a little skep if I read this title too. But believe me. What I am about to tell you will not only get you whatever you want, it will also get you beaten up. You’re probly thinking, “If this guy can get whatever he wants, then why doesn’t he rule the world?” And I’m thinking, “You just need to be quiet to I can tell you, please.”

One: Just Ask.

                All you have to do is ask. Sometimes I get sad like this when I want something-

But then I just follow my own advice and ask for it!

I can’t tell you how many times I have gone to Starbucks or McDonalds and asked for something and got it fo free. I’m serious! You literally just walk up to the counter and say, “Can I have an apple pie for free?” And at least, at least, fifty percent of the time they will just give it to you.

                This one time my teammates from the Maverick Speech Team went to this place called Space Aliens. They sell terrible food but no one cares because a man in an alien costume comes out to give you hugs! Well, my friends Justin and Jason spent ten dollars each on coins to play the arcade games. They both get cranky when they don’t eat so for them to spend most of dinner time playing in the arcade is saying something. They finally gathered up enough tickets to buy something good. I mean really good. They got… (dramatic pause) a Mister Potato Head. They spent forever trying to figure out what to get and the poor girl behind the counter hated them. I mean she already worked at a place called Space Aliens, she didn’t need these grown-ass men trying to figure out what toy they wanted.

                The counter girl seriously hated the world. It was as if she kept rolling her eyes back to see what was down her throat. So I go up to Apathetic Alice and I say, “Can I have something for free?” And she gestures with a hand so limp you’d think she hadn’t eaten in days, towards the shelves. “Can I have that Mrs. Potato Head?” She turned as if nothing could be more of a bother and set it on the counter for me to keep.J Needless to say, Justin and Jason were very upset and I was very happy.

Two: Play dumb.

                People give dumb people the benefit of the doubt and it works all the time. Sometimes I get angry when I want to do something that I’m not supposed to do and I look like this-

See how angry I am! But then I listen to myself and just pretend to be stupid! For example,

Person: Excuse me, sir. You can’t swim in that fountain.

Brad: Oh I didn’t know. Sorry.

Person: Brad, you know you can’t text in class. Put your phone away.

Brad: Oh I didn’t know that.

Person: You didn’t know you couldn’t text in class?

Brad: Sorry I didn’t know.

Person: Sir, you can’t be over here!

Brad: What? Omygod I didn’t know.

Person: No, you did know. There’s a sign right here.

Brad: That’s so weird, I had no idea.

                See? Works every time.

Three: Make weird noises.

                People get really uncomfortable around people who make weird noises. Ok. Well, there’s this thing called the Megabus and it is insane. Basically, it’s a double-decker bus that’s super cheap and takes you anywhere and I was taking it for eight hours from Minneapolis to Chicago. I have heard more horror stories about the Megabus than Disney puke stories (Disney Puke Stories coming soon.) I read one review that a Megabus bus driver hit a woman and kept driving. And then I read another review that a bus driver blasted Mariah Carey’s greatest hits the whole time. Well, I was not about to deal with any of that bullcrap, let alone sit next to a stranger.

            My sister lives next door to this guy who has Tourettes. And he makes a noise that sounds like this-

                Not terrible, just terrible if you had to listen to it for eight hours. Well I decided that I would make that noise at the Megabus bus stop so that no one would sit next to me! I did not pretend to have a disability or pretend to be disabled. I just decided to make an annoying noise so that I could have two seats to myself.

                So I get to this scary parking lot in the middle of downtown Minneapolis and I see about fifteen other people waiting so I make the noise about five times in fifteen minutes. Then, each time a new person would walk over I would make the noise at least two more time. The BEST PART was that everyone was looking apprehensive and no one was looking angry. But seriously. Imagine the kid with John Lennon/Harry Potter sunglasses, playing Pokemon Yellow on his Gameboy making this noise over and over again-

It would be awful to sit next to him for eight hours.

                I am pleased to say that I napped and ate pretzels and listened to Gaga and trained my Butterfree to a level twenty-one on that bus ride. And I was so happy that I felt like this-

               My idea was awesome. In fact, I would say that my idea was super effective. (If you understand that reference, you can either fist pump or kill yourself.)

                So what can we learn from this lesson besides the fact that I am very rude? That lady clearly wasn’t looking both ways when she was crossing the street. I mean the bus is called Mega… it’s huge.