Mu

                You know how everyone knows someone who had the worst roommate of all time? Well I was that someone. I HAD THE WORST ROOMMATE OF ALL TIME. I went into my freshman year thinking that I was going to be best friends with my roommate and that we would watch movies and have sleepovers every night and plan each other’s weddings. This was not the case.

                Muhammad seemed fine when I met him. He was an engineering major, short, wore glasses and moved to America when he was thirteen. His English was almost perfect but he had a hard time with his adjectives. When something was bad he would say, “It is so shit, man. It is so shit.” He also loved Celine Dion. I would turn on “My Heart Will Go On” on my laptop and Muhammad would immediately stop whatever he was doing and start singing along very poorly. Little did he know that Rachael was on Skype and we were secretly laughing at him.

One time Muhammad accidently put metal in his microwave and pink and blue sparks went everywhere and I laughed and he got really mad at me.

                The worst thing about Muhammad was that he had three alarm clocks. He had one of the old fashioned ones that looked like this-

And then he had two cell phones for some reason. Oh, and he also hated it when the room was messy so I tried very hard to be a neat person which my friends would attest is not an easy task for me. I’m seriously a giant slob. One time I found a Dorito in my chest hair.

SO he would go out with his friends and drink and smoke hookah at their houses and then come back at three or four in the morning. Then, at seven his old fashioned alarm clock would go off and make the sound of a banshee. THEN every minute after that his cell phones would take turns alternating alarms which he would continuously hit the “snooze” button for about an hour until he woke up. I had several “roommate” talks which I said things like, “I feel” and “It makes me uncomfortable” and “Does everyone in the Middle East have three alarm clocks because I watched The Kite Runner and I didn’t see any of that going on.” He would wake up on time for three or four days and then he would relapse and start “snoozing” again.

Well one day I had enough! I said to myself, “I am a strong, independent, black woman inside of a white, gay man’s body and I don’t need any of this shit!” So I got up and threw my clothes all over the floor and started brushing my teeth and Mu realized that he was late for class yet again so he began scrambling to get dressed and he said, “Hey can you clean this stuff up?” And I said, “No! I don’t know how many times I have had to talk to you about your alarm clock but I’m seriously super sick of it!” My voice rose two entire octaves by the end of that sentence. He says “whatever” and runs out.

Later that day I’m reading a book in our dorm and he walks in and this is how the conversation goes-

Mu: Hey can I talk to you?

Me: (Thinking he’s going to apologize) Yeah what’s up?

Mu: First of all, don’t ever talk to me like that again. And second of all, I’m not going to change and there’s nothing you can do about it.

                And then he just walks out. At this point I am boiling with rage. I don’t think I have ever been that pissed since my speech teacher tricked me into thinking that Britney Spears died. So I went down to the front desk of my dorm and asked for the smallest screw driver possible. I brought it back upstairs, unscrewed the back of his alarm clock, pulled some wires, and put it right back where I found it. I’m such an evil genius.

                Around midnight, I go to bed but I can’t sleep because I’m like that little boy in the Disney World commercial-

                Mu comes home around two and he bounces around the room for a little bit and I hear him start to mess with his alarm clock. He tries to fix it for about five minutes before banging it on the counter (engineering major?) and finally turns on the music as loud as possible, turns on all the lights and starts screaming at me! Of course I’m awake this whole time but I squint and rub my eyes and I’m all, “mmmwhat? Mwhat’s going on?”

Mu: You broke my alarm clock!

Me: What are you talking about? (sleepily)

Mu: I know you broke it I know you did!!

Me: How would I ever do that Muhammed? It’s probably broken because you were banging it on your desk.

                At this point he is lunging at me with his hands in fists. I didn’t know he was going to be so upset! I mean it’s not like Celine Dion gave it to him! But I was pretty scared that I was going to get beat up so I called security and they said that they would be right over. Muhammed was hell bent on making sure that security knew that I broke his clock. We wait half an hour. I call them again and they said that they were coming. So by this point it’s like three in the morning and security never comes and Mu forgets that he’s angry and falls asleep. Well I’m scared that he’s going to kill me in my sleep so I stay up the rest of the night.

                And I am pissed. Right? So I stay at Justin’s for a few days and find a new dorm. But as I’m moving out I decide to look through all of Mu’s things one last time. And. I. Found. It. A backpack full of alcohol. So I grab the bag, bust Mu for underage consumption in the dorms, and move out :)

                Is there a lesson to be learned from this? Yes. Yes there is. I am such a slob that sometimes I spray Febreze on myself and call it “a shower.”

The West Wing

                I have a terrible temper. You know in Beauty and the Beast when the Beast freaks out because Belle was in the west wing? Well someone is in my west wing all the time.

One time I was walking across the street on campus and this truck turns into me and nearly hits me. He starts yelling at me and pointing at the red hand that I guess means don’t walk but it was a green light! So I started yelling back and I refused to move out of his way so that he couldn’t drive anywhere. Luckily, Jason witnessed the entire thing and yelled at me to get in his car. Another time, I thought this lady waved me to turn out into the street in front of her so I do just that and she starts honking at me like crazy. So I just roll my eyes but then she starts to follow me super close so I slammed on my breaks as hard as I could to which she responded with more honking and screaming. THEN THIS OTHER TIME I was walking through my apartment complex parking lot at Disney World and this guy drives by me super fast and nearly hits me so naturally I flip him off. He stops the car, rolls down the window, and goes, “’scuze me is there a problem?” And I go, “Yeah! You’re fucking driving like and asshole!” And then we get in this giant screaming match that I don’t really remember very well because I may or may not have been slightly inebriated but I DO remember yelling, “Then fuckin’ do it! See what happens!” like I’m Steven Segal or something.

And that’s not even the half of it. Leah asked me one time if I had been tested for aspergers. So that was really nice of her.

It’s not that I really like to start fights with people but I feel this compulsion to correct people when they’re wrong or stupid. I took an online class this last summer and it was basically the most ridiculous thing ever. First of all, the class was called “Interpersonal Communication” so that totally makes sense for an online class. Second of all, the girls in my class were so duuuuumb. They were so dumb. We had to do discussions online and a question might be like, “How does new technology impact your life?” And these girls would answer like, “I think that technology is bad for us sometimes because instead of calling my mom I will just text her. But then I really like that I can text my mom whenever I want.” And then every single other girl in the class would say, “I completely agree. I think that’s a really interesting point.” Are you kidding me. We’re not going to talk about the implications of technology on war, poverty, government, or religion but instead we’re going to talk about you texting you’re mom? It made me feel like this-

                Then we had a discussion question that asked, “What sort of listening environments are effective or ineffective?” And after a buh-jillion moronic comments I had enough. It was the hit that caused the overdose. I wrote-


“I think everyone can agree that florescent lights, Facebook, and continuous lecturing does not create a listener friendly environment. But has anyone had to listen in a class with a leprechaun poking you every thirty seconds? Well, I have and it's terrible. So I was in my Into to Visual Culture Class and this leprechaun would not leave me alone! It kept saying mean things to me like, "You're going to fail this class," and "You look ugly today." That did not create an effective listening environment for me. I think that we need to focus on the removal of ALL leprechauns from the classroom. I am personally SO thankful that this is an online class so I don't have to face another situation like that. I also heard about this one kid who had to deal with a velociraptor...”


Somehow I still received an A.


                I think the worst time that I ever pissed anyone off was when I bought my new car. My dad and I had decided that we were getting the ostentatious gold 2009 Ford Focus. Our salesman was super nice if not too nice and he told us that we had to fill out a survey for all the people that helped us and that if they got anything less than all 1’s on the survey then they would be up for review. So we’re about to go to the finance guy’s office and my dad tells me that he’s going to try and sell us on all these upgrades and such and to not go with any of it because it’s basically a big scam.


                We walk into this guy’s office and his name was Josh and he was nice enough at first but then he pulls out a spread sheet with all of these charts and things.


                He starts talking and my dad interrupts him and says, “Just so you know we’re not going to go with any of these things today.” And Josh says, “Yeah well you know it’s part of my job so I have to tell you these things. Anyway…” He starts pitching some more, lalala, and I say, “Josh. My dad just said that we aren’t going to go with any of these things today so can we just skip this and leave?” Josh, “Ok I actually do have to go over these with you but if you look here…” Then my phone rings and I go out into the foyer to talk to my stepmom and I say loud enough for the entire dealership to hear, “No, we didn’t get the car yet. This guy Josh keeps talking to us about all these stupid things.”  I am soooo mature.


                I walk back into the office and Josh is still pitching to my dad and I yell, “JOSH. We’re not doing any of these things today! Okay? We’re just not!”


Josh: Ok look you know what? I don’t need any attitude from you!


Me: I don’t need this attitude from you!!


Josh: THIS IS PART OF MY JOB! I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS!


Me: WE ARE THE CUSTOMERS! WE KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO SAY AND WE DON’T WANT IT!


                It has now been two years since that argument and I couldn’t remember how the fight ended. I called my dad the other day to ask him and he goes, “Yeah I don’t know what happened. … Josh. What a dick.” We gave Josh the lowest scores possible on his evaluation and I checked the Ford website and he is no longer working there:)


                Besides the fact that I’m a petty bitch, what can we learn from all of this? Leah was probably right. I probably have aspergers. 

Broker Than a Joker

               Basically I’m really poor and I don’t have a job. I mean I guess that ten percent of the rest of America doesn’t either but how am I supposed to spend my money poorly if I don’t have any money to spend? I used to mow my professor’s lawn but I don’t think I did a very good job because when I asked if I could mow her lawn again this summer she told me that a twelve year old took the position. And then I got fired from Barnes and Noble and my old manager runs and hides from me every time I go there now.

                So I decided to go on Craigslist and see what the deal was and I absentmindedly applied for a roofing job. The funny part is that they hired me. When I talked to my boss during the interview he said that it would be the hardest thing that I’ve ever done in my life and that 90% of people quit on their first day. And I was all, “Maybe you don’t know me but I am Brad Romance. I have the worst breath of anyone I know. I watch action movies. AND I can blow fire. I am a man. I can do anything.”

                For some reason he hires me and I show up for work the next day at six in the morning without getting any sleep because I was SO EXCITED! Little did I know that when you roof a house, you have to carry heavy things and you are not in an air conditioned environment and people don’t serve you lemonade. I worked my freaking butt off.

This is how you roof a house:

1.    Carry all the heavy things out to the front lawn of the house and surround the house with tarps.

2.      Rip all the shingles off the house with a pitchfork while standing on a makeshift six inch wide platform that you hope stays connected to the roof you are currently tearing apart.

3.    Pull the tarps with all the shingles to the dumpster and throw them in.

4.    Get covered in dirt and scratched everywhere.

5.     Carry fifty pound bundles of shingles to the roof, on a ladder, and hope that you don’t fall off.

6.     Cry.

I looked like this halfway through the day-

Notice the tears.

                As it turns out we were roofing the minister’s house that day. For some reason the minister watched us roof his house for over three hours. Now I can’t speak for the minister but he either has a strange fascination with roofing houses or a strange fascination with the shirtless men roofing them. His wife did not seem to share his interest.

When I got home I looked like I had just barely survived the attack on Hogwarts. I was bleeding freely from both my knees and I pretty sure that one of my toenails is going to fall off any day now. The problem was that I had to go back for a second day because I was not going to be a statistic. I refused to be a part of the 90% that quit on the first day! Fortunately for me, SOMETHING AMAZING HAPPENED the next day!

                When I showed up to work, everyone was fairly surprised that the skinny kid who couldn’t do anything was back but I pushed through and I went to roof my second house! The most terrible thing about the second day was that there was no hose to refill my water bottle and there was no public restroom nearby. I asked what we were supposed to do and I discovered that the rest of the roofers just pee into their empty water bottles in the equipment trailers. The good thing was that I was so dehydrated that I just didn’t have to pee for a whole thirteen hours! I felt like this-

                By the end of the day we had finished early so my boss told me and this other guy (we’ll call him Roger) to clean out the trailers and make them look all organized. Now THAT was something I could do. So Roger and I are moving saws and such out of the trailer and we start to small talk and he asks if I have a girlfriend. (I don’t think that many of these men are very intuitive.) And I said, “No, I’m gay.” And he pauses for a second and goes, “Oh well since you were so open with me, I’m a little bi-curious myself.” I am a little surprised at how this conversation is going in the trailer of a roofing company filled with construction tools. “Oh that’s cool.” I pick up something, walk out of the trailer, walk back in and lean up against the shelves and GUESS WHAT HE SAYS! “Well, this is probably a little forward but wanna hook up tonight?” I was floored. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I haven’t been hit on all summer and it happens when I have been stabbed, scratched, and burned? When I am drenched in sweat, sorer than I have ever been, bleeding and chafing everywhere?! At a roofing company?!! You want to see if I want to “hook up” when I feel and look like this-

 To top it all off I was leaning against a bottle of pee.

                I quit after the day was over. But! I made it! I made it two days when most people only make it in one! So take that world! What can we learn from this? I may be able to blow fire but I am still broker than a joker.

Disney Puke Stories

               Disney World loves vomit. Vomit makes the tea cups go round. One of the most unforgettable things about working at Disney World is experiencing how disgusting the human body can actually be. The Disney Castmembers have a secret language that sounds something like this, “Ugh, alpha side is down. The fifth dimension is acting up again so we’re one-oh-one.” Or you might hear, “There’s a guest without a GAC card in Jafar. Can you talk to him?” But what you really don’t want to hear is, “There’s a code V in the bypass hallway. Call showkeeping.”

                A “code V” stands for code vomit. Some of the people who have worked there longer call it a “protein spill.” Sometimes we’ll call for a code V if there’s pee or blood somewhere but it mostly means puke. One time there was this little boy who just got to the front of the line on the Rockin’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith and he had to go to the bathroom. Not a big deal. Happens all the time. We just send them out through the gift shop and when they come back they just cut in line. Well, apparently the mother did not understand where the bathroom was or if her son could make it but she decided that it would be best if he just peed in a water bottle that she had in the hallway. Needless to say, there was five year old pee all over the floor. They didn’t bother to tell anyone either. They just got in the roller coaster and continued to have a magical day.

                My friend Jamey used to work at Expedition Everest Starring the Yeti at Animal Kingdom but now he’s “friends with” Prince Phillip because he’s annoyingly handsome. Anyway, people flip out on this ride because it goes backwards in the dark at one point and they think that they’re either going upside down or dying. I don’t know. But everyone gets sick. So I guess when the train was at unload a man threw up in row nine and splashed everyone up to row one. Unfortunately, those people did not survive the expedition.

                I had another friend and his name was Brad too! He worked at Mission: Space Starring Gary Sinise. Ok so this is Mission: Space Starring Gary Sinise- It’s a ride that simulates what it’s like to launch from a space shuttle to Mars and the ride spins super fast so that you feel the g-force like you’re really launching into space and it makes everyone really sick. So you are in an enclosed space that looks like this-

And you have no idea that you’re spinning but the g-force is pushing on you hardcore and that makes some people sick. The ride actually comes with barf bags. Ok, so you are at Disney World and you are having a magical adventure and you get into the ride after seeing nine warning signs to not ride the ride. You sit in your pod that holds four people and the doors close on either side of you. Then the ride starts and Gary Sinise starts talking and the panel in front of you tilts forward and it’s super claustrophobic. It looks like this-

                 So Brad tells me that one time a person threw up everywhere and didn’t make it to the barf bag. So they call showkeeping, lalala, and it gets all cleaned up. Well no one realized that the person puked all up on the top part of the panel when it was tilted forward during the ride. So the next four people get in the ride and it starts and the panel tilts forward and vomit drips off the top and into their laps like this-

The worst part was that once the ride started spinning the g-force pushed whatever puke was left right at the people. They were very upset.

                AND THIS OTHER TIME I was working and this grown-ass man decided to paint the walls with his insides. Thank the universe that I didn’t see it happen because I would have contributed to the mess but I did see all of the towels. Apparently, this guy gets off the rollercoaster, pukes inside his seat, pukes on the floor outside the train, then holds his hands to his mouth to contain the puke but the puke just shoots through his fingers. He then goes to the garbage can and tries to cup the puke in his hands and throw it into the trash. Finally, he walks/pukes through the gift shop leaving a trail of puke as if he needed to find his way back.

                The ride was stalled for over forty five minutes for cleanup. And that’s not even the half of it. People are barfing, bleeding, puking, and pooping all over the place there. It all gets cleaned up and everywhere is super sanitary but chances are that someone has puked on every surface area of that entire kingdom. Even the monorail has a permanent smell.  So what can we learn from this? If you have to throw up at Disney World just do it because seriously, everyone else is.