What To Expect From The Disney College Program

          The other day I woke up to find my entire bathroom covered in vomit. This was after one of my roommates shit himself but before I watched a three year old pee into a bag while waiting in line to ride Soarin’. Let me back up. Before all of this, eight people from my apartment complex were terminated because they decided it would be a good idea to have an orgy in the Vista Way hot tub. I’m sorry, let’s go a little further back. The Disney College Program is magical. I’ve written several blogs (keep in mind, blogging is still totally hip) about Disney but this is the ultimate What To Expect When You’re Expecting Something Completely Different Blog.

                First of all, the application process for The Disney College Program is redonkulous. Applying for the CIA is easier than Disney. Believe me, I’ve applied for the CIA. They didn’t accept me because I was too well known with my blog getting at least 14 hits a day. So. After you apply you’ll get an e-mail saying that you’re an idiot or a phone call from a Disney Princess saying that you’ve moved on to the interview round. Then, after you’re phone interview you’ll get an e-mail saying that you’re an idiot or a Disney Princess will congratulate you for becoming a slave for a fortune 500 company.

                Don’t get me wrong. I love working here. I wouldn’t have done a second program if I didn’t. But I see a lot of people asking about the program on the Google and the Facebook and I am now performing my duty as a Disney slave to let all future CPs (college program students) know how this whole process works.

                So now you are one of the 6,000 that was accepted of over 60,000 applicants. Awesome! Feel good about yourself? Don’t! You are going to be working with some of the dumbest people you have ever met. Imagine working with the invalid from The Goonies, the invalid from Glee, and the invalid Nicholas Cage every day for four months. Imagine going to work and having these people as your bosses. You have now made a journey into your imagination. Welcome back. The Disney College Program website will tell you all of the things you should bring with you. The Disney College Program website fails to mention things like pillows, sheets, your fleshlight, and other essentials. Think of coming here like your freshman year at the dorms. You wouldn’t start your freshman year without your gravity bong would you?

                That brings me to the next topic of discussion. Termination. Don’t actually bring your gravity bong. And if you do, keep it in your car. And if you keep it in your car, use your That’s So Raven eyeball zoom to predict when the drug dogs come and sniff out the place. You can literally get fired for anything. ANYTHING. My roommate literally just got termed because he was deemed “too unstable.” Granted, he did act like an arthritic elephant nearing its final days but still. Just the other day two CPs got fired because they tried to ride the rides during magic hours with expired hotel key cards. If you get termed, you have basically 24 hours to pack up your shit, call your parents, and book a plane ticket home. Then, Disney leaves a card for you congratulating you on your experience!

                So you get to Orlando, you’re nervous, you have to go to someplace called Vista Way but it doesn’t really show up on your GPS, you’re probably overdressed and you’re probably gay. Most of the men who work at Disney are indeed homosexuals. Strangely enough, the company gets lots of Mormons as well… You’ll show up, see a lot of other kids your age, and you’ll spend the next two hours waiting in line getting your housing processed. It could be really boring but my favorite game to play is Spot The Closeted Kids! Or another good game is Spot The Unfortunate Girls Checking Out The Closeted Kids! It’s fun. While you’re standing in line, you will have the option to live in a 1, 2, or 3 bedroom apartment in either Vista Way, Chatham, or Patterson. Vista is where the party’s at, Chatham has the biggest rooms, and Patterson is the nicest. If you’re reading this now, you’re probably thinking, “Well duh, I should pick Patterson.” Beware, the kids who do research like you’re doing now are probably antisocial, introverted, and gay. Everyone who lives in Vista didn’t do their research so they’re probably not-so-smart, really social, and gay.

Vista Way-

Chatham-

Patterson-

                After you unpack your things and meet your roommates, you get to stand in another line! You will be going to the Casting building to get all of your paper work filed and your work location. They say it lasts two hours. Expect four. I like to call this process the WE NOW OWN YOU process. They take your fingerprints, do a background check, photocopy your IDs, and probe your anus to test for a positive or negative reaction.

                Phew! Day one is over and you survived! Time to go home, get to know your roommates, and call your parents to say that everyone you live with seems pretty nice. Come three weeks you’ll be calling them crying because Brittany keeps accusing you of stealing her Pringles. In the next couple days, you’ll go to the All The Different Ways You Can Get Fired Meeting, Traditions (where they teach you the history of the company), and Discovery Day (where they tour you around the park and you finally find out what your role is). As I’m writing this, a four year old girl with a Jew fro is tap dancing next to me in Starbucks.

                Before we conclude, let’s wrap up this whole gay business. 80% of the men who work here are gay. Nearly all of the women are straight. It’s a sad, sad world for the girls here; surrounded by princes who are only interested in other princes. If you are straight and a boy, you are in luck. With just these two features alone, you can save seven dollars on your Axe Body Spray. Imagine throwing thirty female cats in heat in one box and then adding two male cats. One of the boy kitties is impregnating all of them and the other boy kitty is clinging to the top of the box saying, “Icky.” People come to Disney to come out. They may not know it yet, but when Darth Maul gives Tigger sex eyes in the changing rooms, you can bet that they will be overcome by the Dark Side.

                 What can we learn from today’s lesson? Brittany is bitch. All you need to do is call housing and tell them that she keeps talking about how she wants to kill herself. They’ll fire her because they don’t want to deal with hassle of a death and they’ll say that, “she clearly isn’t happy here and needs professional help.” Then, before she leaves, steal her fucking Pringles.