The other day I woke up to find my entire bathroom covered
in vomit. This was after one of my roommates shit himself but before I watched
a three year old pee into a bag while waiting in line to ride Soarin’. Let me
back up. Before all of this, eight people from my apartment complex were
terminated because they decided it would be a good idea to have an orgy in the
Vista Way hot tub. I’m sorry, let’s go a little further back. The Disney
College Program is magical. I’ve written several blogs (keep in mind, blogging
is still totally hip) about Disney but this is the ultimate What To Expect When
You’re Expecting Something Completely Different Blog.
First
of all, the application process for The Disney College Program is redonkulous.
Applying for the CIA is easier than Disney. Believe me, I’ve applied for the
CIA. They didn’t accept me because I was too well known with my blog getting at
least 14 hits a day. So. After you apply you’ll get an e-mail saying that you’re
an idiot or a phone call from a Disney Princess saying that you’ve moved on to
the interview round. Then, after you’re phone interview you’ll get an e-mail
saying that you’re an idiot or a Disney Princess will congratulate you for
becoming a slave for a fortune 500 company.
Don’t
get me wrong. I love working here. I wouldn’t have done a second program if I
didn’t. But I see a lot of people asking about the program on the Google and
the Facebook and I am now performing my duty as a Disney slave to let all
future CPs (college program students) know how this whole process works.
So now
you are one of the 6,000 that was accepted of over 60,000 applicants. Awesome!
Feel good about yourself? Don’t! You are going to be working with some of the
dumbest people you have ever met. Imagine working with the invalid from The
Goonies, the invalid from Glee, and the invalid Nicholas Cage every day for
four months. Imagine going to work and having these people as your bosses. You
have now made a journey into your imagination. Welcome back. The Disney College
Program website will tell you all of the things you should bring with you. The Disney
College Program website fails to mention things like pillows, sheets, your
fleshlight, and other essentials. Think of coming here like your freshman year
at the dorms. You wouldn’t start your freshman year without your gravity bong
would you?
That
brings me to the next topic of discussion. Termination. Don’t actually bring
your gravity bong. And if you do, keep it in your car. And if you keep it in
your car, use your That’s So Raven eyeball zoom to predict when the drug dogs
come and sniff out the place. You can literally get fired for anything.
ANYTHING. My roommate literally just got termed because he was deemed “too
unstable.” Granted, he did act like an arthritic elephant nearing its final
days but still. Just the other day two CPs got fired because they tried to ride
the rides during magic hours with expired hotel key cards. If you get termed,
you have basically 24 hours to pack up your shit, call your parents, and book a
plane ticket home. Then, Disney leaves a card for you congratulating you on
your experience!
So you
get to Orlando, you’re nervous, you have to go to someplace called Vista Way
but it doesn’t really show up on your GPS, you’re probably overdressed and you’re
probably gay. Most of the men who work at Disney are indeed homosexuals.
Strangely enough, the company gets lots of Mormons as well… You’ll show up, see
a lot of other kids your age, and you’ll spend the next two hours waiting in
line getting your housing processed. It could be really boring but my favorite
game to play is Spot The Closeted Kids! Or another good game is Spot The Unfortunate
Girls Checking Out The Closeted Kids! It’s fun. While you’re standing in line,
you will have the option to live in a 1, 2, or 3 bedroom apartment in either
Vista Way, Chatham, or Patterson. Vista is where the party’s at, Chatham has
the biggest rooms, and Patterson is the nicest. If you’re reading this now, you’re
probably thinking, “Well duh, I should pick Patterson.” Beware, the kids who do
research like you’re doing now are probably antisocial, introverted, and gay.
Everyone who lives in Vista didn’t do their research so they’re probably
not-so-smart, really social, and gay.
Vista Way-
Chatham-
Patterson-
After
you unpack your things and meet your roommates, you get to stand in another
line! You will be going to the Casting building to get all of your paper work
filed and your work location. They say it lasts two hours. Expect four. I like
to call this process the WE NOW OWN YOU process. They take your fingerprints,
do a background check, photocopy your IDs, and probe your anus to test for a
positive or negative reaction.
Phew!
Day one is over and you survived! Time to go home, get to know your roommates,
and call your parents to say that everyone you live with seems pretty nice.
Come three weeks you’ll be calling them crying because Brittany keeps accusing
you of stealing her Pringles. In the next couple days, you’ll go to the All The
Different Ways You Can Get Fired Meeting, Traditions (where they teach you the
history of the company), and Discovery Day (where they tour you around the park
and you finally find out what your role is). As I’m writing this, a four year
old girl with a Jew fro is tap dancing next to me in Starbucks.
Before
we conclude, let’s wrap up this whole gay business. 80% of the men who work
here are gay. Nearly all of the women are straight. It’s a sad, sad world for
the girls here; surrounded by princes who are only interested in other princes.
If you are straight and a boy, you are in luck. With just these two features
alone, you can save seven dollars on your Axe Body Spray. Imagine throwing
thirty female cats in heat in one box and then adding two male cats. One of the
boy kitties is impregnating all of them and the other boy kitty is clinging to
the top of the box saying, “Icky.” People come to Disney to come out. They may
not know it yet, but when Darth Maul gives Tigger sex eyes in the changing
rooms, you can bet that they will be overcome by the Dark Side.
What can we learn from today’s lesson?
Brittany is bitch. All you need to do is call housing and tell them that she
keeps talking about how she wants to kill herself. They’ll fire her because they
don’t want to deal with hassle of a death and they’ll say that, “she
clearly isn’t happy here and needs professional help.” Then, before she leaves,
steal her fucking Pringles.
