A lot of scary things have happened to me lately. First of all, Josh and I have been playing racquetball like crazy and it’s really fun but really scary. Josh is better than me and almost always wins every time and it just puts me in the worst mood. I’m so scared of losing and whenever I lose I always feel like someone’s holding an “L” over my forehead like the Glee posters and my Glee club is never going to win nationals. Also, Josh hits the ball really hard and he hit me in the ribs with the ball on my birthday. But then I hit him in the eye with the ball the following week and I felt really bad… but it was hilarious.
And there are all these other things that I’m scared of and they’re pretty ridiculous.
Sometimes I dream that there’s velociraptors in my house. And sometimes I dream that Jaws is going to eat me. The first time I watched Jurassic and Jaws I cried. Actually, that was in school. Ok. So I was out at recess and I think I was in first grade and the teachers were like, “Ohmygod it’s Hoth out here. Ok children, indoor recess instead.” So we go inside and the sixth graders were watching this movie. So we sit down and it’s whatever and I’m just watching the TV. And all of the sudden, this kid gets electrocuted and a dinosaur comes out of the wires with a light bulb burning it’s head and it’s trying to eat this lady and I spazzed out. I told my mom when I got home from school and I’m sure I was really melodramatic about it. I looked like this-
Then my mom called the school and the teacher got fired. Like Donald Trump fired. The best part was when I told my dad, he goes, “Well, Brad. You know those dinosaurs are just fake, right?” “Yeah.” “Well why don’t we watch it and you can see that it’s all just made up.” So then we did and I loved it! It was one of my favorite movies after that! But seriously, that teacher should not have been showing such graphic material to six year olds.
Josh is scared of mentally challenged people and witches. Actually, he said that my initials the other day stood for Big Retarded Witch. Offensive. The other day we checked out at Wal-Mart and Josh thought that our teller was a witch.
Josh: She had a necklace with the Wiccan symbol and two earrings with stars and a circle around them and that means she’s a bad witch… Ugh witches scare me.
Brad: Why?
Josh: Because they might be real! I mean has anyone considered the possibility that they are? That’s why whenever I think someone’s a witch I’m just really charming and nice…”
I’m scared that people won’t like my outfit or my Facebook status. #gayboyproblems.
Have you ever been an accidental pedophile? I know I have. Seriously! Can you think of anything worse than being accused of pedophilia? If I had to make a list of the worst things ever it would go like this-
1. Being mistaken for a child lover
2. Being eaten alive by ants
3. The Holocaust
4. Dropping your cell phone and then having to put it back together
I’ve been an accidental pedophile two times. First, I was working at Disney one time being a Greeter. This means that I stand outside of the line and say, “Yep this is the start of the line.” “No, I’m sorry we’re out of fast passes for the day” “Oh, when I said that we were out of fast passes for the day I meant for the day. Yes, I know, it’s very confusing.” So it’s beautiful and sunny out and I’m just minding my own business and this five or six year old girl is running around the courtyard and she’s super cute and she’s dancing and just being adorable. Then, she comes running up to me and I kid you not, she lifts up her shirt like she’s on Girls Gone Wild and gives me the biggest smile ever. It was the worst. I kept waiting to be fired or sent to pedo-hell not to be confused with ghetto-hell where you have to live in Detroit for the rest of eternity.
AND THEN I always walk by the swimming pool when I’m done working out because I want to see if the men’s swim team is practicing and they never are! But this one time they were and I got so excited! I was like Precious when she steals the chicken. I ran as fast as I could with my giant backpack and then nearly threw up from joy. So I get to the balcony where I can watch and I immediately start scanning for the hottest guy. As I searched I realized that none of them were really all that muscular. “The B-team must be sitting out while the sexies swim…” I thought. I probably sat there for five minutes before I realized that I was watching the high-school swim team. Godammit.
A lot of people say that I’m fat-o-phobic but I’m seriously not scared of or hate fat people. I used to be one! Believe me, I have several fat friends and they are all quite jolly.
Finally, there is one thing that scares me more than any of these things. Showers. Ok well not showers per gay but that there’s someone in them. When I was like eight or nine I started to have this suspicion that there might be someone in the shower who was going to kill me when I was peeing. So I started to check every time I went to the bathroom and of course no one was ever there. So I told myself I was being silly one day and that I had to stopping being scared of something so stupid.
So one day I go to the bathroom and I’m thinking, “Don’t check the shower. Your fine.” But I did anyway and obviously no one was there. So I start to go potty and ALL OF THE SUDDEN THE SHOWER CURTAIN CAME TO LIFE AND GRABBED ME! I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I was going to die more than I did at that moment. You know how some people wet themselves when they’re scared? I literally stopped in midstream like my whole body was like, “Fuck it. Nope. Nope.”
It turns out that my sister, Sam was hiding in the shower and I can’t imagine how I didn’t see her. This is the horrible demon that scarred me for life-
She gets to be a model and I can’t even urinate without stressing out that I’m going to get murdered. I’m also scared of tornados, bats (duh), The Joker from Batman, being poor, that things won’t go my way, and that Starbucks might be closed. I don’t know why that last one frightens me but I still get that anxiety at like, one in the afternoon.
What is the lesson in these scary stories? To quote Liam Ra’s al Ghul Neeson, “To conquer fear, you must become fear.” I’ve decided to become my fear and rename myself Veloci-Bradford.
