I sort of look like an AIDsy, Zac
Efron. You know, I’m really good looking but I’m so thin and frail typing on my
little computer on the floor with only the seven empty wine glasses placed
variously around to keep me company. But in a cute way. I’m also a huge nerd. I
used to watch Star Wars, The Matrix, and Charlie’s Angel’s every day of my
life. I don’t know WHAT my parents thought of me.
The thing about being a nerd is you
want everyone else to revel in your nerd-dom with you. For example, I tried for
years to get my best friend, Megan,
to watch X-Men, LOTR, Star Trek, etc. Then, she meets this guy and she’s all
like, “Matthew wants to see Iron Man 3 when I see him next weekend! Can we
watch the first two!? Stop drinking my wine.” And of course I want to watch
them with her but I secretly resent that it took a straight guy (who she’s in
love with and he’s in love with her and blah blah blah) to do it. I mean, I
guess my nerd points don’t count as much because I don’t cuddle with her while Jigsaw
tortures people and he does. So.
So now that she’s riding the nerd
train (pun intended) we watched Lord of the Rings. I really wished that I would
have thought to record her because she sobbed. SOBBED when Gandalf died in
Fellowship. I think the only time I’ve ever seen her that sad was when I told
her to stop chewing with her mouth open and she ate the rest of her dinner
crying by herself at the kitchen table. The good news is, I did have the
foresight to film her when Gandalf came back!
She had no idea I was filming her.
I clearly watch a lot of movies and
TV I don’t have cable or internet so every time I want to watch Game of Thrones
I have to go to use Starbucks internet. This is stupid because Game of Thrones
is the best show of all time but it has more naked people than The Buckle has
douche customers. I’ll be trying to watch my favorite show and then some person
will walk by or sit right behind me just as the naked people start to get
naked. And I’m like, “Damn, kitty. Can’t a little gay boy illegally watch naked
people at Starbucks?”
I also like to pretend that the
characters in the movies that I watch have altered states of reality. Like, how
funny would it be if Spider-man was actually a huge pot head? He smokes a fat
bowl and then his spider sense goes off and he’s like, “Ok. Get up from the
couch right now and go fight bad guys. On the count of three, stand up. Ok,
after the Magic Bullet infomercial is over, count to three and stand up. Where
are my chips?”
One time I had every single Harry
Potter LEGO set available and I connected all of them together to create Mega-Hogwarts and I thought I
was the coolest person on earth but then I accidentally knocked it over and I
cried.
Gay: I have a boyfriend. Gay: I
have Grindr. Nerd: I don’t need my Grindr anymore so I decided to create a new
profile!
I had some great conversations but these were the best. The first one was with a guy we’ll call “Green Dot.”
So then I talked to Jimmy!
And then this guy made me laugh the most. He sincerely thought that he could still procure a hookup from a guy with a Voldemort profile.
What can we learn from being a gay nerd? If anything, you will be able to hold a Grindr conversation for more than at least five minutes. I CAN NOT WAIT TO SEE PACIFIC RIMJOB!
