Just About How Funny and Clever I Am

                 I’ve written about college speech before but I finally just got a video of my speech at Nationals! I got third place but it really felt like first because I didn’t poop myself (I had done that twice already that week from nerves) and I didn’t go crazy. Sometimes when I’m in front of a bunch of people who let me talk for a long time, I go crazy and start telling my favorite necrophilia jokes or my best black joke. And then after that happens people don’t think I’m as funny anymore because they’re “best friend is a necrophiliac” or they’re “black” and then they get “angry” and then I have to be “sorry.”

                Also, I wrote this speech in January 2012 with a pretty funny Dick Clark joke. Then, Dick Clark died on the first day of the tournament. The same day, I got a horrible text from this guy who I used to be in love with that made me more anxious than a pigmy horse surrounded by seven regular sized, drunk horses.

Pigmy horse: Hey guys, let’s be cool. Let’s be cool.

Drunk horse #1: Look at his tiny legs! I- I bet we can fit him in my little sister’s dress up clothes!

                The people sitting at the table in the middle of the room are the judges. The kid with the gay voice talking about gay things is me. Lalalalala here’s a third place speech.