“Oh,
there goes that crazy, gay kid.”
“Who?”
“Bradford something. He literally
made a girl cry in my class last semester because she was sitting in his spot.”
“Oh yeah, him. I heard that he went
to Disney World and when he came back he just lost it. Like, he’s failing all
of his classes and I heard he’s run over five cats with that super bright gold
car. Oh, and I heard he’s dying of AIDS.”
This is
how I imagine my classmates talk about me. To be fair, I don’t kill animals
with my car, I dissect them in my basement and save them in Welch’s grape jelly
jars. And I’m the worst student in the entire world. THE ENTIRE WORLD. Thank
Jesus Christmas that I am done with school. One time, my teacher threatened to move
me to a different part of the classroom because I was so disruptive towards
everyone. And I was like, “That’s not going to do anything! I’m just going to
have to talk louder so they can hear me!” I am 22.
I was basically the devil. I did everything in my power to escape class time. In the
beginning of my college career I would just not show up to class. It turns out
that is a bad idea. Like, I thought my absence was going to go unnoticed when
I’m always raising my hand, lecturing someone, or falling asleep. And then,
when I would get lectured at I would say, “Girl! I’m sleeping because I spent
all night reading your stupid book!” “Girl! Lady Gaga is completely relevant
and topical to this discussion!” “Girl! You know we’re best friends.” It’s
extra effective if my professor is a man.
So
eventually I figured out that if I go to class but I just leave early that 90% of
the time I would still receive attendance points. Then, if the professor would
bother to ask where I was going I would say one of two things. 1. “I have an
interview at three so….” Or 2. “I have to poop….” Both were extremely
effective. THEN, just this past semester I created one of the most amazing
things. I just Google image searched “Doctor’s notes,” opened Adobe
Illustrator, and then designed my very own doctor’s note!
Thank you for your signature, Dr. Roommate. Oh, what illness
did I pretend have you ask? That’s actually very personal.
Oh, I did this just the other day
and it worked like a Charmander. So let’s say that you have a paper that you
have to submit online to your professor. All you have to do is search “notepad”
in the search bar under the Windows icon. I don’t know how this works for a Mac
but you can just find yourself a nice school computer to use. Then, open
Notepad, and click File, Open, and use literally any document in the world.
When it opens, the screen just looks like a bunch of symbols. Delete a chunk of
the symbols, then save it under the same name and submit it! If you try to open
the document, a little screen will appear that says something about how Word is
unable to blah blah blah. Then, your teacher will e-mail you and simply ask
that you resubmit the paper. It buys you at least 24 hours to finish.
If I
actually had to be in class, I would
do all that I could to disrupt the lesson plan. It’s really easy. You just have
to shout the following sentences to avoid assignments or class time.
"I think I
speak for everyone when I say that we should leave early.”
“Let’s
watch Avatar!”
“It’s soooo
nice out. Nobody wants to be here. You don’t even want to be here.”
“Isn’t
it time for your cigarette?”
“I
wanna watch Charlie Bit My Finger.”
“With
all due respect, we’re so over it. I mean we’re over all of it. We should just
go. Like, now.”
One
semester I had two classes with the same professor. She has chronic pain in her
legs and her medication makes her super loopy. So not only is she slow but she
couldn’t even teach because her head was all fuzzy. We used to play this game
where we would count how long she would pause in the middle of her sentences.
This is how it would go, “So a Press Release is really about… (46 seconds
later) …giving information to the public about the client.” 46! Count to 46
right now. Imagine waiting that long for a completed sentence. I can’t even
wait 10 seconds for the You Spilled My Coffee video to load.
So
since she couldn’t walk too good, she was always late to class. One day I logged
on to her computer, turned on the projector and the speakers and started
playing Youtube videos. Nobody stopped me, but nobody was encouraging me
either. So we watched Otters Holding Hands and Boom Goes the Dynamite and by
the second video everyone was having fun and laughing. Then, Old Miss Legs
Don’t Work Too Good walked into the classroom and everyone got very quiet. So I
played another video. She was so high that we just got to watch Youtube for the
first half hour of class! And then I said, “Can we leave early today? We’ve
basically covered everything.” Forty five minutes early! BOOM!
I tried
all of these tricks for my 21st birthday and nobody was falling for
anything because I already missed too much class so I had to go to all THREE of
my classes on my birthday. I was pissed. So I decided that if I had to be in
class I was going to be inebriated. I went home between my second and third
class, filled up a Pepsi bottle with vodka, threw it in my trunk, and drove
back to school. Then, I chugged it in the hallway and arrived singing Paparazzi
probably louder than I realized.
So I’m
in class, and I’m feeling good and I think to myself, “This is great! I should
do this all the time! Nobody even knows!” And as I’m thinking this, the girl
next to me leans over and says, “Are you drunk?” And I was wha-?! But in my
real life I probably sounded like Scooby Doo. “I can smell it on you. You
reek.” And as she’s saying this, my professor goes, “Oh, Brad since you missed class
on Tuesday, why don’t you do your presentation?” Um. Welp. I don’t remember
exactly what happened but I do know that I stood up and then the next thing I
remember is everyone clapping and my teacher telling me how “interesting” my
presentation was. I received an A.
What
can we learn from… (count to 46) …my academic dishonesty? I don’t know. It’s
like whatever, man. Life, you know?
