Normally,
I think that I’m pretty funny and offensive and those are two of the best
qualities about me. I’m also pretty good looking. I’m proud of my ability to
write a decent one-liner but I didn’t realize how sophomoric my skills actually
are. My friend Cindy (we’ll call her) can literally beat the shit out of you
with her words.
Cindy
is one of the funniest people that I have ever met. She got mad at her mom once
because they disagreed as to why they named their dog “Coco” and Cindy was so
enraged with her mother’s answer that she threw her phone against the wall as
hard as she could. One time she passed out in a pile of leaves in front of my
house. Another time, we just had a nice breakfast.
I
posted a disclaimer on one of my last posts about how that was the most
distasteful (thank you Microsoft Word Thesaurus) thing I’ve ever written. Well,
this isn’t the worst thing I’ve written but it certainly is the most shocking
and horrifying post I’ve created. And I didn’t write these things or make them
up. These Cindy quotations are verbatim. I give this blog a NSFCP: Not Safe For
Children or my Parents. Further, Cindy does not have a drinking problem, she is
not mentally handicapped, and she is not an abusive girlfriend…
Oh and Ben (we’ll call him) is her BF BTW-
Cindy:
I had an interview at this bagel shop one time but I
couldn’t figure out how to use the bus system so I didn’t go.
God I’m so thin and beautiful, it’s disgusting.
I woke up in a giant pile of leaves last night.
Do I sound drunk? … Ok well yeah, I am what I am.
Ok this is probably too soon but… Can I move in? This couch
is so perfect because I’m so tiny and thin and small.
And I still haven’t told Ben I have my period. It’s going to
be so funny when he penetrates me and I start bleeding and I scream, “You hurt
me! You hurt me!” Ha it’s going to be so hilarious.
Oh my god. I’m going to have to start telling him that his
balls smell like rice because I don’t know how to communicate with him
differently.
I don’t think I have any makeup in Mankato… God I’m such a
lesbian.
I was super drunk and my dad tried to forcefully make me
leave and I was like, “I’m 23. I’ll drive home.”
We were at this baby shower and we were taking shots
upstairs and this bitch wouldn’t let me hold her baby.
I once watched my brother pull a chip out of his boxers and
eat it.
Don’t you ever imagine what it would be like to just have nice sex for once?
I’m so lucky I don’t have a super attractive brother… It
would just be so hard for me…
I’m going to try to convince Ashley to change her baby’s
name from Amelia to Ke$ha.
That’s the gayest thing I ever… Ok by “gay” I mean faggy.
Duh. Of course bisexual women are more prone to being
overweight. Duuuuuhhhhh.
Tiffany fell down a flight of stairs. (laughs) Then, I
crashed a wedding. It was the best night of my life and I don’t remember any of
it.
We got in such a huge fight on my birthday because I thought
that it would be an appropriate time to tell him I had sex with someone else…
he almost started crying. (laughs)
I was talking to Ashley about her baby and I hear Ben go,
“Well I just dumped a load in her.” What the hell! I’m not a cement mixer.
And the thing is everything is blamed on my drinking…
You can
see why she’s my friend! What can we learn from Cindy? She’s a trooper and we
all must aspire to be like her. She will be blackout and will still demand to
drive home or hold a baby. That’s tenacity, people. That’s tenacity.
