Jason is one of my very good friends. We’re a lot alike in many ways. I’m really good looking, he’s really good looking. I’m a pretentious asshole, he’s a pretentious asshole. I’m gay; he’s gay… for Jesus. Jason also hates everything. Like me. So without further ado, guest blogger Jason presents, A Human’s Guide to Being Human.
The war has begun.
The wonders of modern genetics have given us a glimpse into the history of the human species. A scarily large proportion of creatures which walk the earth on two legs only appear to be fellow Homo Sapiens. Allow me to explain. Archeologists have known for over 200 years of another human species, the Neanderthals, thinking all along that the species is extinct. While the true Neanderthal has indeed died out, a surprising finding presented itself to geneticists just a few short years ago… a finding that came to explain one of the most prominent problems in the world today. You see, thousands of years ago, a few curious Homo Sapiens and a few curious Homo Neanderthalensi got together and did a little business. Little did they know, their actions would lead to a 2012 world full of Homo Sapien Neanderthensi…or to put it bluntly, Sub-Humans. At first glance it’s difficult to tell, especially for the untrained eye, but they walk among us (which is an identifiable characteristic, as you’ll read).
A Sub-Human can be defined in many different ways, but a fine blanket statement would be to describe one as someone who “just doesn’t get it.” They speak at an overwhelming volume on their cell phones, instantly recline their seat on an airplane, match the speed of the person in the opposite lane on the highway so no one can pass, and order “expresso.” A Sub-Human can possess one or all of these qualities depending on the degree of Neanderthal in their genes.
All is not lost, however, because we are fortunately not fighting against mindless Zombies. What separates Sub-Humans from Zombies is the ability to learn and adapt. Until this point, the major differences between our two kinds (Homo Sapien Sapiens and Homo Sapien Neanderthensi) have not been pinpointed, documented, and solved in easy, step-by-step format. This is my quest, and personal contribution towards the war on Sub-Humans. But let us not think of it as a battle against the Sub-Humans themselves; it’s not right to hurt people for having smaller brains (who would work at McDonald’s?). Instead, let us wage war on their lack of knowledge of social norms, their disregard for culture and politeness, and their love of chewing with their mouths open. Let us together defeat the savage-like nature of these creatures, and work toward a world of civil Humans.
I present to you… A Human’s Guide to Being Human.
It should be noted that this is written in a format for Humans to directly read to or regurgitate to Sub-Humans, as most are unable to read. I’m only addressing one major topic in this post, but it’s one of the most important problems we face today, and one that I’m most passionate about.
A Human’s Guide to Walking
Humans learn to walk as toddlers. It’s something that we’ve been doing for longer than we can remember. It seems like a simple task. It seems like we’d be experts at something that we’ve been doing for so long. But we all, it seems, are mistaken. The ignorant walking tendencies of our world’s sub-humans pose a large danger to the more intelligent walkers of the world. Here are a few basic rules to follow to start walking like a real Human today.
1) Find a regionally appropriate driver’s manual.
2) Read it.
3) Apply every rule to walking.
4) If you don’t understand these instructions, proceed to 4-A
A. walk in front of a bus.
Despite the fact that these three steps are completely sufficient to provide the user with a successful, and Human-status walking experience, I feel the need to expand on a few paramount details.
· Walk on the right side of the walking area. Slower walkers keep to the right. Faster walkers pass on the left.
o Note that Step 1 above was very deliberately written to find a regionally appropriate driver’s manual. If you try to walk on the right side of the road in England, you’ll find that the people you keep running into aren’t as polite as everyone says they are.
· Yield at an uncontrolled intersection. This means any time you could potentially make a right turn to an equal or larger-sized walkway, look to the right to ensure no one is coming. There is no need to yield to a smaller walkway, as any accident at said type of intersection would be the fault of the other walker. If an incident occurs and the other walker is at fault, bat them on the nose, firmly explain why they are a lesser being, and continue on your walk.
o If you are in the smaller walkway walking perpendicularly towards a larger, you must yield to the left, as the oncoming traffic will be one-way. (see figure 1-1)
Figure 1-1
· When making a left turn, you mustn’t cut off the path of an oncoming walker. It may feel faster to cut the inside path, but research has shown that you’ll experience a head-on collision at least 80% of the time.
· Do not stop suddenly in a walkway. I will repeat this sentence to ensure it sticks. Do not stop suddenly in a walkway. While this may seem elementary, I assure you there are regular violators of this very important rule, which can interrupt the flow of a walkway for blocks. Collisions are one of the least of the problems which can arise, including beverage spills, dropped shopping sacks, and even tripping and falling… on an ugly person. Some of the world’s greatest walkers have ended their careers due to sudden stops, so please take these words to heart. Do not stop suddenly in a walkway.
· I’d also like to take this opportunity to address some advanced walking techniques. As individuals who are learning the more Human-like way of walking, please refrain from doing some of the more advanced walking techniques until the basics have been mastered. These include: speaking while walking, walking backwards, crossing the street without the aid of crosswalk lights, using escalators, going to large events (such as concerts or professional sports games), and walking on a treadmill.
The battle for a united species of Humans will wage on for years to come. It will not be easy, but no fight for freedom from tyranny is. As a final note, I’d like to point out that I haven’t forgotten about my friends in wheelchairs. All of the above points apply to you as well. Especially the part about not using escalators.
