Sam and I are sitting at Starbucks right now and she effing hates me so much. I’m singing half hearted jingles about everything because 1. I love to sing and B. I just drank a venti Starbucks Double Shot on Ice and I’m supa hypa. She also hates me because I don’t wear my hat right the way, I keep getting angry at old people, and I’m a piss sore winner for every game we play. Sam is my sista sista and we have been best friends since she was born only a year and nine days after me. Here is a picture of us as best friends
So you know how models are supposed to be really dumb and pretty and obsess over their hair? Well Sam is all three. Okay, okay, that’s not true. She’s not that pretty. In all real life actuality, Sam is very talented and smart and is majoring in film at Columbia College of Chicago. That’s why when we meet new people together I have to tell them about myself first because once they hear “Chicago” and “film school” all of the sudden Mankato doesn’t seem so awesome… because it totally is… Growing up, Sam’s life was very different from the one she leads now. She basically lived the life of Lizzie McGuire without the weird doppelganger, Italy, pop star storyline. Except her doppelganger is Justin Bieber but she never got to sing at one of his concerts. Never say never! (Sung in a singsong voice.)
Can you tell which one is Bieber?
When we were in middle school, everyone used to meet in the gym before school started and sometimes the principal would make announcements since everyone was in the same place at the same time. Well, like, four times that year she kept screaming at us about people vandalizing the bathrooms and I didn’t really understand why because I never saw anything wrong with the boy’s room. Then, at the end of the year, Sam comes up to me…
Sam: Brahd.
Brad: Sahm. (That’s how we say each other’s names.)
Sam: So you know how we always kept getting yelled at for vandalizing the bathrooms?
Brad: Yeah.
Sam: Okay. Well, that was me and Erica.
Brad: What.
Sam: Okay well, we can reach our hands up into the tampon machine and we would get them wet in the sink and throw them up so they stuck to the ceiling.
The epitome of hooligans.
Coincidentally, Sam decided to be a Q-Tip for Halloween one year. Why? I don’t know. But she looked like a giant tampon. Like a huge effing tampon. … Like, imagine a five foot tampon just walking down the street asking you for candy. I can’t believe that my parents didn’t say anything…
Sam used to have long beautiful hair and then she decided she was like Jenny from the Block and she’d had Enough of her hair and chopped all of it off when she was a junior. Probably the worst decision she’s ever made because now she looks hideous. The first day that she cut her hair short, she made sure to wear a dress to school but she wasn’t thinking so clearly the second day. She wore a shirt with a rainbow on it. Total lezzy move. Just even the other day she heard, “Oh I didn’t know if you were a lesbian or a gay boy I wanted to make out with.”
But the best “Sam has short hair story” is when she moved to Chicago. She just got off the plane and she was in the airport and she heads off the bathroom. She’s washing her hands and this lady walks in and sees Sam and goes, “Oh! I’m sorry. I thought this was the women’s…” And she leaves. She must have realized her mistake and she comes walking back and my sister gives her a death glare and flips her off and walks out. Ugh, typical angry lesbian… lol.
In her second year of college she was signed on with Factor, a support group for those struggling to continue being anorexic. Sam was already a size two when she was signed on and they told her to lose two inches off her hips and thighs. So she does. And then they’re like, “Mm yeah. You’re going to have to lose more of your fat… so…” And she did! And now they’re still telling her to lose more weight! I mean she really could stand to lose a few more el bees. Personally, I won’t be happy until she looks like this-
It’s a good thing that she has a sense of humor about the whole modeling thing because that job is crazy. In addition to the whole not eating thing, there are about a billion other things she has to deal with. One time before a runway show, the director lectured all the models and told them that they better be dressed by their turn to walk or she would send them out naked and that she was serious about it. So Sam does her first runway walk and comes back and starts to change and someone tells her that she didn’t have to change into her second outfit and to get into her third. Then, the serious lady yells at her to get back into her second piece and then by that time it was Sam’s turn to go out on the runway and she was just standing backstage naked. And serious lady goes, “You need to get out there NOOOOWWW!” Like Sam’s just going to be all, “Oh okay” and strut out in her birthday suit.
One time she farted at the end of the runway.
To clear some things up- I don’t think Sam is that ugly. Yes, she is straight. And she’s a really talented film maker. She did this movie with just her laptop.
What can we learn from my sister? You can be a model and do whatever the fuck you want. You want to crop dust a runway? Go for it. You wanna dress like a tampon for Halloween? Sweet. Her next move is to go all Domino Harvey and become a bounty hunter and have sex in the desert with a Mexican. Believe me. She can do anything.
